H u n k i e c r u s h

Cerpen 8 | Owns me.

2012-01-24T20:56:00.000-08:00

"Looks so good that it hurts" - Mario.

I MAY BE the luckiest person alive.

What is special about her, apart from her warming feminist soft side, is the eyes she possesses. They glisten almost every time, the best when it’s during the day, and the best when her heart breaks and the best when she looks at you right in your eyes. You can’t decide whether to snap or kneel - looking at the picture of a sky reborn in the dawn through her eyes. Those amazing black eyelashes, flipping up and down as if they sweep away the sorrow trapped in the vault of your heart, like a key to get through the rocky side of you. Her smile, oh, don’t get me there! When she smiles, the world smiles with her.

I consider myself lucky to have her,yes.
But because of those eyes,
I can’t help it but to think that she owns the world;

and the world owns her, too.

Cerpen 7 | Plague.

2012-01-23T16:27:00.000-08:00

Their relationship wasn’t platonic, there was this mixture of love and care and a little bit of annoyance and a pinch of hate - but most of it was doubtless, love and care. Nelly and Chuck were best friends.

Both of them had always shared their problems, their anticipation and hopes, the past and present and future, they can talk from one point to another without losing grip of comprehension. It was an empathic sort of conversation, and they engaged with each other as if they had known for years.

Chuck had once asked Nelly, 'What do you think happen if we marry each other?' Nelly’s cheeks were instantly flushed with blush, but she pretended she didn't hear it - though to anyone it would be clear and loud - replied a simple 'huh?', and then skillfully changed the topic.

It took months before Nelly learnt that the question was meant for something else. It wasn’t 'would we able to love each other, grow old together, be with each other till death comes and departs with our lives' kind of thing. It was rather 'Would you treat me like other people who would die to have a try? Would you feel lucky if you're married to me? Do you really love me, 'cause if it's a yes then I'll know I can find anyone I like!'

Things were changing slowly, and it took a simple essence of experience to tell anyone that this was one of life’s ABCs. Nelly, never tired of being optimistic, had countless of times told Chuck what she thought and felt, but failed to prevail.

One day she wrote a letter of goodbye to Chuck, because knowing him for another few months would only kill her more. She wrote the letter on a white paper with a red pen. It said;

“Insensitivity is when you sigh the moment you know I have a problem you couldn’t solve.

Insensitivity is when you ask me to not bother you when you’re sleeping but you senselessly poking my side when I am asleep.

Insensitivity is when you have all the money in the world but you pretend that you don’t have a penny at all and you begin to feast whatever I have even though it is apparent that I haven’t eaten for days.

Insensitivity is when you make that look as if you know it all but the truth is, you never know what it is because you have never experience what I’ve experienced and you are busy with yourself and yourself only.

Insensitivity is when you refuse to help me, not knowing that I’ve helped saving your faces a thousand times.

Insensitivity is when someone had just moved out from the house and you blamed me for it, oblivious to the fact that the reason is YOU.

Insensitivity is when you told me you fell in love with someone particular but seek for another when you thought no one is looking.

Insensitivity is when you have the time to criticize others in social networks as if you have countless things to say, but nothing when you’re sitting just beside them.

Insensitivity is when you ask anyone to go out with you but you always forever busy with your phone and self.

Insensitivity is when you disregard your friends around you - that includes me - and seek for those who aren’t real in social networks.

Insensitivity is when you praise yourself, but fail to embrace when someone else praises himself.

Insensitivity is when you listen to me for just awhile and said you have nothing to say but then you found a platform to degrade me, and said it well.”

She hid the letter under his pillow when he was out, and she left the house, made a promise to herself that she would never come back.

Suddenly, her mind told her, there was one more thing she forgot to write -

“Insensitivity is when you read this letter and not knowing what I meant.”

Cerpen 6 | Lidah Kelu.

2012-01-03T11:43:00.000-08:00

Korang kalau tak gaduh memang tak sah, kan? Mesti kau nak menang, dan bila kau nak menang, dia pula nak menang. Bila dia nak menang dah kau lagi lah nak menang. Gaduh, seorang api, seorang lagi api. Mana airnya? Asyik-asyik nak bertikam lidah, maki, caci, sini, sana. Kenapa tak bergaduh dalam sukan je? Baik untuk kesihatan, bukan?

Kau pun satu, kenapa kau tak ingat masa kau dengan dia main game sama-sama dulu, sokong sama sokong, tolong sama tolong? Kau dah lupa janji simpul mati kau - "kita dua tak terer, tapi apa yang penting adalah kita berlawan sama-sama"?

Ha, dia, satu lagi. Kenapa lah dia tak dampingi kau? Dulu dia sesaat pun tak boleh berpisah dengan kau. Bangun nak sayang, makan nak sayang, mandi nak sayang, tidur nak sayang. Apa dia dah lupa janji simpul mati dia - "jangan bimbang masalah yang datang, saya akan jadi penyelesaiannya".

Tapi sekarang dah lain, bukan? Asyik-asyik nak bertikam lidah, maki, caci, sini, sana. Gaduh, seorang api, seorang lagi api. Mana airnya?

Kau, apa lagi, pergilah jumpa dia, pandanglah mata dia, tak perlu ungkapkan apa-apa, cuma, sentuhlah tangan dia dan pegang eratlah tangan itu, kerana lidahnya sudah kelu untuk apa-apa. Aku cuma nak bagitahu kau, sebab aku dia.

Cerpen 5 | The Girl Who Gets To Dream

2011-12-28T12:36:00.000-08:00

Part 2.

Ronnie had fallen in love. She had gasped in the breath of love and she was certain about it, because she was restless, she fidgeted from time to time on her bed, and she would held tight to her cellphone, waiting for a single tone. One night Tucker had forgotten to ring her, and as time consumed her, she finally fell to sleep. That night, yes, that night, she dreamt again.

There was a wooden cabin in a strange deserted place, and inside there were a lot of people in the shimmering light of candles, having dinner. At a corner, was a spot where a table stood, and there, sat Ronnie, Tucker and his two friends. It was a picture of deep joy, until Tucker asked her for a moment outside. Holding each other’s hands, they made their way out passed the strangers. Outside, it was just him and her. They were talking about something, but Ronnie couldn’t hear it. She was so close to them, but all she knew was that - it began with a small sweet talk, but ended with a big-bang. It all happened in silence. Yet she was certain that she heard a broken heart. Suddenly it went dark - she knew she was alone, stranded in a strange land. It was even darker when she opened her eyes.

It was 8pm the next day when Tucker had texted her. Ronnie felt a little odd, but deep inside her disturbed mind, she knew she was happy. They went out to a restaurant Ronnie had never gone to, with glistening candles, and sat at a corner. The waitress in black uniform greeted them with warm smile, and Tucker had been such a gentleman. He ordered for Ronnie, he made sure that Ronnie got what she desired - it couldn’t be more obvious that he had put extra effort s that night to please her. Ronnie felt safe and sound and utterly pleased, and at that very moment she wished she could have another 100 nights like that – the night where everything was just about him and her, when crowd suddenly became a breeze that can barely be heard. It was a picture of deep joy - until two of his friends came. Things had gone so very fast, it began with a small talk, but ended with a big-bang of disappointment. All of them walked out of the door and left her. It was getting louder – the crowd – they were indifferent to her, they ate and ate and ate, and the sound of the spoons and forks and the plates, and the talk, they talked and talked and talked, and the chairs, they screeched - it was getting louder, and louder. And just when everything was sinking, she heard a broken heart.

Cerpen 5 | The Girl Who Gets To Dream

2011-12-25T06:46:00.000-08:00

Part 1.

It all began with a dream.

Both of them sat on a bench – watching the clouds shifting slowly from one spot to another and the fireflies which flew around the bushes, and the tiny ants on the cold seemingly dusty floor, and the waving dark-green grasses. They talked all night long, and there was a moment when they both knew nothing but an awkward silence. They gazed long in each other’s eyes, and grew embarrassed.

Tucker was a romantic guy, he knew Ronnie was cold, so he took out his sweater and tucked it nicely around her. “I wish we can have another 100^th of nights like this”, said Tucker.

Ronnie had gone speechless, all she could do was smiling, but her heart screamed. It was a wordless moment, but a very loud one.

“I dreamt of you,” whispered Ronnie, still blushed.

“Oh yeah, what was it all about?” asked Tucker. He knew something was coming out.

“I dreamt of white snow.”

“I’m listening, honey.” Tucker provoked.

“It was snowing, my dream, it was very bright, but warm. There were orange and bluish paintings in the sky, and little patches of pale purple around it. It was beautiful.”

“Em-em, I bet it is beautiful Ronnie.”

“Indeed it is. But what’s more wonderful about it is to have you in it.”

“Really?” asked Tucker who was at the urge of a chuckle.

“You wore a blue shirt, nicely tucked in your dark-blue jeans. And you wore your snow cap, with red and black and white stripes, the one you used to wear. And you have those beige boots sunk in the snow. You were laughing, and you saw me coming, and you started to throw little snow balls at me.”

“Wait a minute-”

“No no,” Ronnie laughed, very coyly, “you’re a bad boy! You threw me snow balls and you laughed about it!”

Tucker laughed. “Ha-ha-ha! You’re making up that part!”

“And the sun, the sun - it shone down on you. And it just, touched my heart. It was this warm feeling, despite of the snow. I -”

“I told you this story, did I?”

“No, well, let me count, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 okay I think this is like the second time we hang out late at night?”

“I never told you about this?”

“No.. Why?”

“I dreamt of the same thing..”

And there was an awkward silence.

Cerpen 4 | Even for a SINGLE reason.

2011-12-19T21:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we just wonder what the hell is he/she doing in your life? You thought that he/she only befriend with you because he/she wants to take advantage of you. You thought that they would only come for you when they have problems. But have you ever realized that maybe, to that certain someone, you're special simply because you listen well? Or because you have a calm face that could draw a smile on his/her face? Or maybe your presence is all that matters? Maybe talking is not a necessity. Just looking at you, he/she would be pleased? Have you ever thought about it? I dedicate this story specially to a friend of mine who has made me a little more matured, and to other friends who have experienced this. A story of two friends against the world."

She stood still at the balcony, looking up to the sky, watching the bigger bird led the smaller ones dived through the warm wind of the evening. It was a typical day like any other days, except that there was something bothering her. It always a hard task to figure it out, thought Ernie, but standing and looking away in distance had always been her resolution. She thought about other people. What if they had the same problem? What would they do? Would they stand and look away - as if the answer was written somewhere in the midst of nothing?

Ernie was a girl full of life. She smiled almost in every occasion. She had her way to joke about the past and pain, even it might seem odd to most of other people. Looking below at her right side, she could see the traces of past – the moments she had once enjoyed with someone, a company, a boy who never failed her, a friend she called close friend, Zech.

Zech was a tough boy. People always mistook her for a jerk because he seemed to be ignorant to others’ feelings. But that was not the case for Ernie. Ernie had no doubt thought the same at first, but as time went on Ernie had found that Zech wasn’t all that bad. Tough shell Zech was wearing was just a façade.

Ernie rubbed her palms together, she felt her palm and then she stared at her hands. They were much coarser. She couldn’t remember the last time she pampered herself. It seemed forever. Her face was miserable. Life had drained from her, anyone could tell that.

It was getting darker; and it dawned on her. She was afraid. But afraid of what? There was no one else in sight, it wasn’t all typical now. Everything was changing slowly, the clouds and the surrounding’s scent. There was something quick running on her neck, it felt funny. Ernie wanted to giggle, but –

******************

“I came to your house last night at 3 a.m.” Ernie said while making her way towards Zech.
“HAHA. Why? Later people say what when they see us together!”
“No lah, I called for you. Just wanna talk a lil’.”
“Okay what’s the matter?” Zech suddenly noticed the absence of life in Ernie.
“I called for you because I’m falling apart, I just want to talk, I ran, I RAN to your house because I had no one to turn to, the world is against me Zech”, Zech was surprised - and there was something quick running on her neck, it felt funny, “you are the only friend I have, I called for you again and again, I called you but you didn’t pick up, I just need a friend, it was cold and so very long night and I’m hurt -” she wanted to giggle, but, she burst instead.

It was painful.

******************

She covered her face with her palms, so embarrassed thinking that she had been stupid, and her face was drenched, she was growing weaker, and weaker. So did the knees of hers. She slowly knelt on the floor. She knew that was the end of her. She missed him, the one who had stayed and supported him through the hard times. She missed the convincing words – “oh Ern, I’ll be your hero”, or “forget about your problems. I can make you happy”, and things like “don’t worry about it, I’ll be here as long as you want”. But now it was different. She was left alone, no one wanted to help her. Everyone was busy with their life, they had responsibilities.

******************

“Everyone has responsibilities Zech. You can’t say I’m like the nut forgets his skin!”
“Yeah right. HAHA! But seriously, why didn’t we talk like we used to?”
“Well you’re busy with your life, and it is growing odd because we haven’t talk for weeks -”
“Yes, that kind of talking, about life and stuff-”
“Yeah, and it’s funny, I mean, ODD if I, well, a girl like me, suddenly goes to you and says HYE.”
“No? I think you’re the one who is busy Ern. And trust me, there’s nothing wrong one to say hye!”
“Busy is not in my dict Zech, look at it as a way of socializing. I like to mingle with other people at different times. Everyone is unique in their own way. I like to mingle with you for different reasons.”
“Like riding bike with me?”
“Yeah something like that”. Yes, something like that, but more than that, her little heart spoke.
“Okay, I accept that, but I am still disappointed. You only come to me when you have something to say.”
“I know where you’re going Zech. But like I said -”
“Whatev, I get it Ern”, no you don’t, you think I’m selfish Zech, you think you’re just a site for my emotion trashes, her little heart spoke again.

******************

She took a deep breath, but before long, despite of the coldness of the breeze and the hazy sight of hers, she sprang downstairs, she sprang with her weak heart and knees, she ran to him, wishing he would be home, hoping for one thing, the carefully uttered words, the convincing part of all, the only reason; and it would come from his heart, through the mouth, and into her soul - “Ern, everything is going to be alright”.

Cerpen 3 | Square one.

2011-11-06T00:34:00.000-07:00

Thing is, I didn't like you the first time I saw you. It was either you never wanted to look at me or I never caught you looking at me. You were so detached as if people around you were non-existent. Did I fail to recall any remark you had made or tried to or there was really no doubt about who broke the ice first. And as I got to know you I thought you were special. :)

You started off with an excellent attitude and such patience not many people possess. You listened very well; and you found the way to joke with me without hurting me and to bear jokes without getting hurt. You were honest, and outspoken. At times when you didn't have the heart to tell the truth you'd draw expressions to portray the words and you'd left me the time to ask what went wrong. What more I liked about you was the fact that you always claimed you were special by saying something like "Duh, this is (your name) you're talking about" and I thought you had personality, a character of your own. I perceived you as having a life without a box, because I knew exactly what were you capable of.

Then one night you told me that "I wasn't like this when I was in school" and I knew a turning point of something we both were uncertain was nearing.

Now it appears to me that you have a life in a box. Seems to me that you need A BOX because someone else wants you to be in a box. Or perhaps I'm wrong. Maybe it's you who want it. It's okay, it doesn't matter. What matters to me is whose box is it really? Your decoration is quite similar to him. Both of you talked about almost the same thing, liked almost the same thing, hated almost the same thing, played almost the same game.

Don’t ever tell me I am wrong. I remember the shoes you both used to wear. Now when it's there both of you ignore it as if the presence of the shoes was impertinent to your rapture lives. You see, it's simple, it's either you followed the other one or the other one had followed you. The odd thing is that sometimes when one of you isn’t around the other one would take the chance to wear. And both of you pretend that you like the shoes but dislike it at the same time. You call for it when you need it and when the moment comes, the moment when both of you realize you HAVE TO SHARE, both of you would make that face, like the fox towards the ‘sour’ grapes, but since both of you know it’s hard to resist the comfort that the shoes could possibly offer, both of you would continue to pretend.

Both of you still talk about the same thing, like the same thing, hate the same thing, and play the same game. It’s getting hard to tell which one is which.

Cerpen | 2 : Stupidity causes cancer.

2011-10-23T00:17:00.000-07:00

A decade ago, I had a friend named Liam. He was 2 years older than I was but very, very matured. He settled in Malaysia few years later but I only had the chance to meet him twice in the latter. It was in Neopets where I first got to know him. There was a line under each of his post, a signature they called it, a tagline that intrigued me, to ask, “hey wut dos it ment by STUPIDITY CAUSE CANCEL”?

The boy explained to me what did it mean, which I guess I had no idea at all back then(?), but I do remember a little bit of the argument. I carry the thought through the years of growing up, and sometimes when I was pissed, there’s one thing for certain, that would pop out in my mind. It is a line, a signature I call it, a tagline that intrigues me, to ask, “ARE YOU STUPID?”

According to Wiki, “Stupidity is a lack of intelligence, understanding, reason, wit, or sense.” So tell me now, who the hell on earth has a full tank of intelligence and understanding, with a complete set of evergreen reasons, wit and senses?

Back to Liam. It’s highly agreeable that ‘Stupidity Causes Cancer’. It is like cancer. Or may cause ‘cancer’? Or it is, cancer(?). It doesn’t matter if you have couple of things you are excellent at, because other people would know you’re suck and stupid at other couple of things and it would take you one day, to realize that. J

You just ate something, with a spoon. Then few minutes later the spoon ended up in the sink. Few days later, the spoon was still there. SO WHAT THE FUCK.

The clothes. They are all in a tiny basin or basket or whatever. Why are you so stupid to have it piled up like mountain? Then when the time comes it falls down on the floor and other dim witted people would begin walking on your clothes, and you would never know.

The food. Even when you’re about to starve to death, your lunch box in the refrigerator would remain untouched for weeks. And one day you just got the wit to finally trash it, so yes, touched, but uneaten. So what’s the point?

No awareness. AT ALL? Sometimes people give you the chance to speak, to express, to ask, to do whatever beyond the limit, but that does not mean you have the power to do the same shit again and again and again and again. You have to learn how to stop and when to stop. There is no doubt a limit beyond a certain extend. What does it take, I wonder, to make someone so ignorant and selfish to realize such a simple concept? A bitch slap, perhaps?

So when someone annoys or bothers you and you really really think that he does not joking, then take a deep breath and say it, DO YOU HAVE CANCER? An euphemism for cancerous stupidity. :)

The 9th fling | 3

2011-09-07T07:40:00.000-07:00

She was thrilled to see him, though he did not see her. She quickly turned around and started the first step. Then drew the second. The third step was a sketch of clumsy rush. She sped a little. Slow again. She believed she wanted to say something, or was it a shout? Was it, ‘wait?’ or ‘Greg!’ or ‘dear!’? She was confused, but excited, so she sprinted.

When she reached home, Greg wore nothing but a piece of white clean towel, wrapped neatly around him. Alice stood there, her face eager, but she didn’t make a sound. Could it be that she was astonished by the irresistible tanned body of his or simply because she missed him so deeply, thus did not have any idea where or how to begin?

Greg’s brown eyes pierced through Alice’s and the only thing that was gradually changing was the lines on Alice’s face. They grew weaker. “What’s wrong?” she asked, seeing Greg emotionless. Greg shrugged his shoulders and said, “I need a bath.” “I know something is wrong,” Alice insisted on talking, “do you want to talk about it?” By the time she finished her part, Greg was already in the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

Later that night both of them settled in the living room. The tele was on, but inaudible. Greg was flipping through Men’s Health, humming in accordance to the music on the radio, while Alice staring at him, knowing that he would never talked to her. She leaned against the sofa, sluggishly, then trying to make sense. She knew she did not do anything wrong, but there was something missing; and it would be a whole lot worse if she remained silent. So she spoke again, “Greg, tell me what happened. Had I do anything bad to you?” The air still. “Greg?”

Greg finally answered, “ah, yes. You did nothing.”

“Wait. What? I don’t get it.”

Greg sighed. No sign of enthusiasm.

“Then? Why are you not talking to me?”

“I don’t love you anymore.”

Matahari Senja | 5

2011-08-17T21:51:00.000-07:00

Dua Untuk Tango

Lincahnya kau mengatur langkah
pada rentak tango
di atas tanah yang tandus ini
kau menari asyik

dan ketika langit mula disulam senja
kau alpa

aku mula terkapai
bertarung untuk mengikut irama
malangnya kakiku kejang
dan tapak ku haus.

Cerpern | 1 : Seronok sampai menangis.

2011-08-07T03:17:00.000-07:00

Awak..

AWAK!

Ya, awak.

Pernah tak awak rasa macam nak jadi patung kecil yang comel yang boleh bergerak - gerak? Awak nak duduk dekat - dekat dengan dia supaya bila dia ternampak awak, dia cakap, "isk, comelnya awak ni", ambil awak dan letakkan ke dalam koceknya. Mesti seronok bila dia picit - picit pipi comel awak, puji - puji kecomelan awak kemudian kucup - kucup jari - jemari awak sambil membelai lembut rambut awak. Seronok tak rasanya kalau dia lambungkan awak ke langit dan sambut semula? Awak terbang tinggi, tinggi dan tinggi lagi, lalu jatuh semula dalam pelukan. Awak suka, lalu ketawa. Seronok!

Sebelum aku jadikan penulisan ini the sweetest piece ever written by me, aku nak cerita pasal seorang rakanku. Dulu dia suka bersembang dengan aku, dia selalu kaitkan aku dengan Charlie, seorang watak dalam sebuah novel yang aku gemari. Mula - mula budak tu mentally challenged, lepas tu dia jadi genius, lepas tu back to square one. Apa - apa je lah.

Aku memang dah sedar yang aku tak reti nak tutup mulut. Asyik nak bercerita sahaja. Tapi makin lama aku makin senyap, dia pun sama. Aku rindulah nak cerita kat dia pasal benda - benda merapu, pasal benda yang tak masuk akal; dan yang paling penting, pasal apa aku rasa. Sekarang dia dah busy. Dia dah ada boyfriend, nama dia Quint.

Tapi bila fikir balik, mesti dia akan jadi bosan sebab kena dengar aku membebel. Jadi terpaksalah aku bercakap dengan, KAMU.

Awak, dengar sini. Saya sayang this one person, dia sangatlah cute dan lucu, dia special, ada benda yang istimewa pasal dia. Dia pernah cakap sayalah pengubat luka hatinya bila dia ditinggalkan bekas kekasih dia dulu, sayalah yang paling special dibandingkan dengan orang lain, sayalah segalanya untuk dia, saya sangat penting bagi dia, kalau saya tiada lagi, peninglah dia nak hidup tanpa saya, saya comel, saya cerdik, saya suka makan comot, saya pelik sebab tak suka marah -marah. Seronok! Dia cakap "I love you". Habis merah pipi saya.

Lagi, lagi, dia pernah cakap dia sanggup buat apa saja untuk saya, termasuk "bagi nyawa" kat saya. Tapi saya tahulah, dia cuba mengayat je. Saya pernah menangis sebab kena berpisah dengan dia, padahal dia nak pergi camping 5 hari je. Saya pernah cemburu sampai nak pitam, padahal dia ajak kawan dia sembang je. Saya pernah tak tidur sebab tak sedap hati, padahal dia pergi jumpa kawan dia je. Saya pernah tak bagi dia pergi tinggalkan saya, padahal dia nak balik kampung je. Saya pernah halang dia SMS orang lain malam-malam, padahal dia nak tanya pasal homework je.

Sebelum tu, saya nak beritahu awak ni, dulu seorang rakan saya pernah cerita kat saya, "kalau kau nak tahu, kau cari. Tapi, kau kena ingat, kalau kau cari, kau mesti akan jumpa."

Jadi, saya pun carilah, saya pun malas nak fikir apa maksud dia. Bila dah jumpa, saya menangis.

Dia cakap dia nak tanya rakan dia pasal homework, tapi sebenarnya dia hantar message lucah. Dia cakap dia nak balik kampung , tapi sebenarnya dia pergi jumpa scandal dia. Dia cakap dia nak pergi jumpa kawan dia, tapi sebenarnya dia pergi bermesra dengan orang lain. Dia cakap dia nak sembang dengan rakan dia, tapi sebenarnya dia bercumbu-cumbuan. Dia cakap dia nak pergi camping, tapi sebenarnya dia pergi menjual tubuh. Dia cakap dia sanggup bagi nyawa dia, tapi dia tak bermaksud.

Saya tak marah pun dia, saya sabar je. Kalau awak sayang someone, lepas tu dia buat awak macam tu, awak marah tak?

Hari ini saya terjumpa sekeping nota yang ditulis 5 hari selepas hari jadi saya yang ke 20. Kenapalah aku cari? Kenapalah aku jumpa? Kenapalah aku tak sedia..

Awak, dia masih cintakan kekasih dia yang dulu, yang kononnya saya telah berjaya buat dia lupa. Dia tulis dia sanggup bagi jantung dia kepada kekasih tu. Dia tulis sebuah sajak untuk kekasih dia, sangat indah. Dia tak pernah pun tulis sajak kat saya..

Pernah tak awak rasa macam nak jadi patung kecil yang comel yang boleh bergerak - gerak? Awak nak duduk dekat - dekat dengan dia supaya bila dia ternampak awak, dia cakap, "isk, comelnya awak ni", ambil awak dan letakkan ke dalam koceknya. Mesti seronok bila dia picit - picit pipi comel awak, puji - puji kecomelan awak kemudian kucup - kucup jari - jemari awak sambil membelai lembut rambut awak. Seronok tak rasanya kalau dia lambungkan awak ke langit? Awak terbang tinggi, tinggi dan tinggi lagi, lalu jatuh ke bumi. Awak terluka, lalu menangis. Pedih.

Matahari Senja | 4

2011-04-24T18:41:00.000-07:00

Nafas.

Suam, nafas mu

tatkala kau berlari batu ke masa silam,

ke saat - saat mula mengenal erti sayang,

luka,

dan kosong.

Suam, nafas mu

tatkala bayu malam datang.

Kita leka,

memerhatikan kumbang api.

Kali ini aku diam, dalam gelap malam.

Sepi.

Nafas, temani aku.

Matahari Senja | 3

2011-04-13T08:52:00.000-07:00

Fuck your perspective.

That very night you told me the tale you had learnt,

About a chap who waited for his lover’s arrival. -

the hardship he had to go through, the retained spirit that may never wear off.

But as soon as you had finished, my fascination drained.

I thought about the sacrifices I made for you –

hours and hours, wasted. Weeks of sleepless nights, trashed.

Countless acts of kindness, discarded.

I thought to myself, how bless I am if only you could see me through the window.

Matahari senja | 2

2011-04-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

Through the window.

Through the window,

I saw a fine chap held tight to his bouquet of flower,

He waited for his lover for minutes that seemed forever;

And that he dwelled as the time ticked through,

Under the dreads of scorching rays.

Through the window,

I witnessed the lover’s arrival,

He only said something brief, far from concise, and left.

That very night I told my lover the tale I had learnt,

But as soon as I had finished, his fascination drained.

I thought to myself, how bless it is to be the one longed by the chap.

Matahari senja | 1

2011-03-02T11:50:00.001-08:00

Lena adikku.

Seringkali aku kau pinta -
ambil foto mu,
dengar kisah mu,
dampingi kamu.

Seringkali aku tertawakan,
aku rindu.

Bangun,
bangunlah sayang,
hari sudah pagi.

Kau lelap, tak bangun lagi.

P/s : A humble dedication to my beloved sister. And Johan Ismail.

The 9th fling | 2

2011-01-07T07:16:00.000-08:00

Greg had always played hard to get, and it was amazing how he slowly opened up to Alice. Weeks had passed through time - it gave the space for Alice to learn his soft side he had chosen to hide from other people. Sometimes Alice could not help it but to stare deeply at him; and often, she got caught.

Although Alice had seemed a little too into him, she constantly reminded herself, that there was a line between her and Greg, a line that is drawn by itself; and is universally called as, a boundary.

It was okay for Alice to be around with new friends on Christmas eve, and not with Greg. She mentally forced herself to accept that 2 days without Greg was going to be alright. After all Greg was not away for nothing, it was on business purpose.

On the first day she thought about him almost every second that ticked. But she was told not to bother him. No calls. Not even a text.

3 days later she still waited, but heard nothing from him. She tried to call him couple of times, but it ended up in vain. For a moment there, she feared that Greg had chosen to leave her. Then she laughed at herself, "such an absurd idea!"

On the fourth day she finally saw Greg, driving passed her, toward the direction of the place they called as home.

The 9th fling | 1

2010-12-24T00:09:00.000-08:00

It was snowing outside, and the cold cut to the bone. Alice was happy that she did not have to go outside. Usually, Greg would take her for a walk after dinner, but not this time.

It was a wonderful thing Alice had been feeling. She couldn't believe that she finally had Greg, basking in her affection. There he was, lying next to her, topless, but covered with a piece of cream colored silk sheet. Everything was perfect, including the scenery outside which she enjoyed looking through the windows, the fluffy red carpet that covered the floor, and the flickering candles on the table near the open-wide door.

Alice turned her head toward Greg who seemed to be lost in the sight of her. She took a shallow breath and spoke softly, "what?"
"No, nothing", Greg answered. It came out as if the words were already there in the cavity, waiting to burst out. There was a long pause after that, but then the silence broke when Greg began to fidget; and say,

"Do you know how cold it is outside?"
"I have NO idea," said Alice, trying to be funny.
"But you keep me warm.." he paused.

On the very second Greg uttered 'warm', her sight had stuck on those beautiful brown eyes of his. Then she realized she had a blank face. She smirked, she wanted to be funny, but she just couldn't. Moments later, Greg spoke again.

"Well, Alice, there is something I need to tell you."
"What is it? It better be good."
"It is, umm, good. I think."
"Tell me, I wanna know."
"There is something restless inside of me, here," he took Alice hands and laid it down carefully on his chest, "can you feel it?"
"Oh my! Yes! What is that? Are you nervous?" she giggled.
"I don't know. It beats so fast when you're near."
"Awwww Greg! That is so romantic!"
"What have you done to me Alice?"
"I.. Well.. How do I know!"
"You should! Come here you monkey!"

Alice thought, in the thick chaos of laughs and physical entertainment they were having, 'he likes me.'

As for Greg, there were still, pauses. Each pause had given him the chance, to observe, to study, to embrace, the feeling, he wish he would soon learn.

Tell me your dreams | 39

2010-12-20T04:18:00.000-08:00

Two weeks later I was ready to go home and meet the person I had missed like hell.
Unfortunately, some inevitable problems started to surface on that such 'eventful' day; and that held me back for another one long day in Ipoh.

The next morning I woke up early, feeling so very eager.
Excited, I reached for my phone, and browsed through exactly 13 messages. They were from a bunch of loyal friends who were waiting for me back in Taiping. Except, for one, which came from the person I was going to surprise, Koko.

It wrote;

'Hye, I'm sorry to bother you but NOW I think I know what you want. I'm texting you to tell you that I am, with an open heart, ready to let you go. I want you to know that you are a, very special boy, and I bet a lot of people thought the same. At one point I feel as if I do not deserve you. There are thousands of people out there who are willingly wanting to take care of you. I know that, and you know it too. I really hope that you are and will be happy, without me. Goodbye.'

Everything went dark as soon as I had finished reading the message, as if those things around me were gradually enveloped by a thick black fog. The next thing I remember was that my friend whom house I was staying, was calling for help.

Of course, my heart was bruised, and they said, the only thing that can cure your pain is time. But that was certainly not working for me, because once in awhile those things that had happened, good and bad, sweet and sour, pleasure and pain, would come to my mind and soul, flashing and killing.

There is a question that has never been answered which wanders around more like a puzzle that has never been touched, let alone solved. It has its own complicated way of succeeding - to drive me crazy, pushing me to the edge, urging me to threat for an answer of the question of 'why?'.

"TELL ME!"

~~The end.~~

Tell me your dreams | 38

2010-12-12T00:14:00.000-08:00

He slid his right hand into his right pocket, then he asked for my hand. I gave him my left hand, then he put on a pink ring on my ring finger, which I had never taken it off my finger up till today.

"I'm gonna miss you", he whispered.
"I'm gonna miss you twice as much."
"Really? You're cute."
*gigles* "I like you. I really do."
"I love you my boy."

I could see him gone teary by then, and that made me feel bad.
Soon after that, he gestured closer to me - with so much effort yet so light, he kissed me on my cheeks.

I made my way down to see if it was true - that his brother's friend was already downstairs waiting for him - but on my way I thought, 'why doesn't he come upstairs and help Koko packing?'

From the side of the building I could see that person standing beside his car. I walked closer to see his face - then I was stunted when I was inches away. He was certainly not a friend of Koko's brother, nor a friend of Koko himself. That person who stood before me like a drug addict was the same person who once trying to hit me. He was definitely a whore..

Few minutes later both of them were gone, leaving me hollowed.

I walked to my room, confused, trying to figure out what had happened. I had a mixture of many negative feelings; and once or twice I felt like breaking. I knew something, but were not really sure what, was about to go wrong. Or has it?

Tell me your dreams | 37

2010-12-10T08:12:00.000-08:00

I didn't want him to know that I actually - RACED to his room. I didn't want to hear any of 'haha you like me, don't you my boy!' or 'I knew you would come sweetheart' or 'You wouldn't believe what will happen to me if you come a minute later'.

However, when he noted me, standing just before him, in the poor light, he said nothing. I should have hoped, 'I don't want to hear, nothing.'

"Dear, why are you packing?"
"I'll be in Taiping by tomorrow."
"Why? I thought you're going to stick with me till my examination is over so that we could go back together?"
"What's the point of waiting here, without you?"
"I'm here, NOW, aren't I?"
"What's the point, of doing idle in this, VERY, DARK room, when you're busy eating out with your friends?", he threw something hard in his locker, producing a shocking noise.

I stuttered, "I.. I.. I was having a dinner, that's normal isn't it?"
"Whatever it is, I'm packing. You can just stand there or help me out."
"Where would you be tonight then?"
"I'll be somewhere in KL. Probably at my brother's place."
"I didn't know you have a brother in KL."
"Better stick that way."

I sat down on the floor and leant against the wall, giving up. Few seconds later, I noticed that he was dawdling around. He must have felt bad for what he had said. Then he came to me and sat right in front of me. He stared deep into my eyes and slowly drew his face near to mine. I could feel him breathing out warm, soft breath.

"I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be sorry. I'm not feeling good knowing you're leaving."
"I know. I feel exactly the same way."
"Then don't leave just yet.."
"I can't. My brother's friend is already here, waiting for me down there."
"Dear.. I.."
"Shhh.." As he whispered, he raised his palm and touched very lightly on my left cheek, then signaled me not to say anything.

"I have something for you."

Tell me your dreams | 36

2010-12-04T10:24:00.000-08:00

I had lost a companion.

Back then, unless it was something that has a relation with love, I believed there was nothing that could break me. Losing one friend had of course, caused me hardship. But having Koko in my life had given me the picture that I would no longer be lonely, as he would color my world whenever he could. I held on to that very bless, hoping days that went by, would be just alright - the way I wanted, the way I always dreamed of.

I gave out a small smile thinking about all that had happened, acting as if the internal bruises had healed when my friend texted me, asking me out.

Koko called me when I was having dinner with the one who bugged me earlier. I cried "KOKO!" giggling despite myself.

"Boi, where are you?"
"Err, somewhere, why?"
"I need to know! I'm alone in my room and guess what!"
"What? Are you okay?!"
"Yeah I'm okay. It's just that I'm kinda scared."
"Ah I see, you want me to come over is it?"
"Blackout lahh. Please."
"I'm in the middle of a dinner, hon. I'll come."
"Who are you with?"
"A friend."
"A guy friend, I suppose?"
"Yes. Actually, a half guy."
"Don't you think I should be a little worry? This whole thing."
"You mean the blackout?"
"All. You see, I need you now, but you seem to be, so.. I don't know."
"Ignorant? No no no, I'm just having dinner nearby. I promise I'll get back to you."
"Fine. Bye."

The word 'fine' seemed so simple, as it appeared to many people, but the tone Koko had used to pronounce the word 'fine' that spelt with an 'F', an 'I', an 'N' and an 'E', had infused anxiety into me. Not to mention to what sort of context the word had been squeezed into. My body drove 'the rest of me' to the counter as soon as my cell phone's screen blinked with 'Disconnected' notification.

I strode into the crowd to get outside; and once I succeed getting through, I raced to Koko's room. On my way to his room, I wondered, 'what is this thing I'm feeling?':(

Tell me your dreams | 35

2010-11-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

It was depressing to read Jay's message on Koko's phone. I was indeed furious.

'Can we start this all over again?'.

What 'START'? What did he mean by 'ALL OVER AGAIN'?

"Oh wait, you meant SEX? That's what you want? FUC* YOU!"
I swore at the wind.

And so I met him in person. I wasn't very sure what the hell was going on because all I did was cursing him and he, he was talking in a slow careful way.

He told me that he was jealous of me, and that he wanted to be ahead of me in life. I was so mad I punched the wall behind me; and broke the green ring Koko had given me. It crumbled onto the floor, just like the trust I had on Jay.

You see, Jay - he was the person I like the most when I was in my first semester of degree.

"I was glad to have him in the same room; I almost felt he was my roommate and he was meant to stick around. Jay was a funny, intelligent, highly articulated person. He could talk to anyone, and people would find him very friendly."

When I looked at him sitting on the cold floor looking at me, I knew he had changed into an unnecessary evil figure in one episode of my life but as a second thought, he was just like me when I used to be bad. I couldn't blame him for changing, because I might as well curse to myself for putting much negative input into his mind. For a moment there, having that flash thought through my head, I remembered the first time I saw him, the time when he was sitting on his cosy bed talking to his friend, smiling, with innocence.

I then, chose to let go.

Tell me your dreams | 34

2010-07-23T02:56:00.000-07:00

Chapter 4 | Final Chapter
Everything was as usual the next morning, in place -

The hanging towel, the dusty table fan, the pile of newspapers under the next bed –

Except for one thing; and that was, for the boy, he had the chance to appreciate those things around him more than he did yesterdays. That morning he had noticed the beautiful play of light outside, the splashes of orange, faint purple and deep blue paint across the sky, breathed a fresh air and felt good about it and for the first time, heard the amazing songs a flock of birds on the rooftop was making and thought, “those birds only came today to entertain me. They weren’t here yesterday?” Of course, he was wrong – ‘everything was in place’.

Next to him was the person who had just confessed his love, Koko. He was sleeping. One thing about Koko was that, when you look at him sleeping, every single burden you held on your shoulder seemed to evaporate. That was exactly what Boi was experiencing.

After 10 minutes observing, Boi lightly put his feet on the cold floor.
He then raised his hands up in the air, twisted and turned his body a little bit, but stop suddenly when he finally realized he was wearing a green ring. Someone must have put it on when he was dozing, someone who he might have known, someone who might as well loved him - someone like the person next to him.

Such a naive boy he was, he thought that, nothing could go wrong since then. He might have realized many things that morning, but sadly, he would never know how hurt falling in love could be, unless he had gone through it which was most likely yet to come.

"Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I'll never ask for more than your love

Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought know by now how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through
But nothing's gonna change my love for you."

Tell me your dreams | 33

2010-06-03T00:30:00.001-07:00

I listened to every sob and to every breath he breathed.
I held him close to me - I wanted to say something, anything, to comfort him, like ‘hey, it’s okay’ or ‘sayang, chill. I’m here’, but none came out.
I was speechless..

Moments later, he took my hand, pulled me into my room and pinned me gently against the wall.

I bet he could hear my heart beating; it pounded so hard I swear it was going to burst.

He slowly raised his head and pierced my eyes with his sight.
That was when I realized that he was not as bad as he was.
In his eyes, I saw innocence and affection. They spoke to me.
They were saying, “Hear me, feel me, I really am sorry”..

I couldn’t breathe right, it was unconditional, just like the chill breeze that rushed through the windows of my room.

With frown on his forehead, he cried “I love you, I love you Boi..”

I was happy that he finally said so.
In return, I said, "I love you too. I love you so much Koko."
and wiped his tears away.

Tell me your dreams | 31

2010-05-26T12:15:00.001-07:00

'He cried.. Like a little child who lost his way back home.'

Few days back, he had to go back to Taiping upon couple of reasons. When he came back, he looked far distinctive. Apart from the fact that he had cut his hair short, he also had his skin glowing - which I didn't have any idea how he pulled it. With such radiant skin, everything on his skin appeared to be highly noticeable - including the love bite he had on his neck..

Our friends, and him - they all drowned in their own noise. So did I, pretending there was nothing to worry about.

Back at college I spilled everything to Chomb, from what had had taken place, to what I felt. Koko couldn't have bitten, or pinched his own neck for such degrading mark. Chomb was not surprised, he might have expected, yet he still tried his very best to fake as if he was. I wouldn't say it was effective in any way. I could see faint sympathetic sketches on his face - it was apparent, there is no way he can help me.

Chomb kept looking at Koko's neck when Koko came around, and when Koko had spotted such peculiar act, he abruptly covered his neck with his palm. Then he giggled awkwardly, as if it was funny.

How I wish he would have told me before the reality had the chance to fear me in such ambush. I slowly walked out of the room I was in, and ran away.

At 2 am I finally had the gut to call him, asking whether it would be okay for us to meet. He heaved a sigh and said,“okay” .

We sat around a table near my block that morning. Nothing was alive; the only thing that we heard was the sound of the sand beneath his slippers scratched against the floor every time he fidgeted.

I uttered, "hey."
"Hye. So.. What do you want to talk about?"
"About that," I pointed at the mark.
"Why? What about this?"
"Are you cheating on me?"
"I don't think I am."
"You are not?"
"Are we even in a serious relationship?"
"I thought we've talked about this before?"
"Yea.. I guess. But - I think I'm not ready for this."
"And why is that?"
"You don't know me Boi. I have my own life. It isn't like this - serious relationship and all."
"Okay. Fine..."
"Boi, I really like you. You're just special. You buat I senyum, kadang-kadang I senyum sorang - sorang macam orang gila. And every time things get hard, you make it easy. No one has ever been so kind to me the way you did."
"Okay, I got your point."
"No -"
"The last time we talked about serious relationship, you joked about it. Then I cakap, 'so, kite tak serious laa ni?'. Do you remember what you replied? 'I want you to be serious' yes, you want it to be serious."
"I pon tak taw laa. Kalaw serious pon, you still ade banyak scandal kan.."
"I dah buang dah sume number diorank. I began to realize that I really do care about you after your birthday, so I decided to abandon any paths that has potential mean of hurting you."
"Boi, I sayang you. It's just.. Sometimes my feelings, its - emm. It fluctuates through time."
"So you chose to see 'someone' when 'that' feeling seemed to evaporate?"
"Why do you have to bring this up now? Esok kan I exam?"
"And why do you have to do this to me? Lusa kan I exam?"
*Silence*
"Koko, I'm sorry. I'm not here to scold you, or to tell you what to do and what not to do. For a moment, I was confused, I thought I have found a special friend, sebab I banyak senyum sejak kebelakangan ni, and sometimes I senyum sorank sorank, macam orang gila. I wish you would never have to end up tangled in any hardships, so when things are about to get hard, I tried my best to help you. I THINK I really like you, you're special. But now I realized that I probably like you because I THINK too much.."

At the end I said, "good luck for your exam this morning."

Tell me your dreams | 32

Tell me your dreams | 32

2010-05-20T23:39:00.000-07:00

It was midnight. Koko didn't text me the whole day. Was he still upset? Was the examination too hard for him? Had he forgotten me?
It was over whelming just to think of it, so I went to sleep.

Suddenly my phone beeped. I reluctantly got hold to my phone and when I looked over, Koko's picture was on the screen. He wrote "I kat lua bilek you." When I opened the door, he was there, wearing white sweater with hazel-colored boxer.

"You nak ape?", I asked.
"Saje datang, taleh ke?"
"Leh.. Nak masok or what?"
"Masok.."

As soon as he walked into the room, he hugged me.
It was unusually tight.
He didn't want to look at me when I asked him why.
I was not completely puzzled, it probably because he missed me.
But I was a little surprise, when his tears drenched my shoulder.
He cried.. Like a little child who lost his way back home.

Tell me your dreams | 30

2010-05-18T23:13:00.000-07:00

On October 8th, most of his close friends were there, in the lake garden to celebrate his birthday. By 1230 am all had come, while I was the last person to arrive, to be precise, I was an hour late, even though I knew it would have been better if I were to be among the earliest, for Koko was my sweetheart - or so I thought. But I did not bother what he had to think anymore, I was half scared and half embarrassed ever since Koko had figured out the plan of me trying to hit him for the sake of a betting game. Letting it all go would be the most ideal strategy. I would try to get over him when tomorrow comes.

When I was getting near the lake, he called me to ask my whereabouts. I told him I would reach there in any minutes since I could already see the radiance of the lighted candles in the garden from where I stood. Then he replied, “don’t hang up! Wait! I would come to you”, and about 5 seconds later, I saw him running towards my way. :)

When we had all done with the eating, we played a game, called the ‘Truth or Dare’.
Chomb had been challenged to dress like a girl and walk the character along the pavement.
Dera had been bombed with simple questions, but it seemed like those were the hardest questions he had ever encountered.
Azhar had acted cool all the way, but we all knew he lied when he confessed he was actually a straight guy.

And the game went on,

“Putarrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! (spin)”

It was Koko’s turn. Everyone was silent. They looked at Koko, and then bunch by bunch, they shift sight over me. They knew I already had questions in hand. The only question I asked was, “who is Dosh?”. It was a rhetorical question. I knew exactly who the guy he was texting with. True, I was jealous, but I care more about Koko then being jealous. I must protect him. Unfortunately Koko didn’t know who I really was. He didn’t have, the slightest idea that most of his random ‘friends’ in his contact lists were once a part of my life. To him, I was just an ordinary boy who would appear to be cute and innocent at some particular times. “He is my friend, but I never met him.” Friend, but never met, is awkward.

And on, until the pen on the floor stopped spinning in my direction.

Chomb asked me, “So Boi, Boi betol betol suke Koko or, Boi macam bosan, so Boi ngorat die, macam isi masa lapang Boi, or Boi pertaruhkan wang dan harta benda untuk dapat kan die?”

My palms started to wet.

“Motif nak buat camtoh?”
“Ye lah, mane taw, nak dapatkan ‘name’ laa. Boi dapat ngorat Koko, si lelaki yang selamat menjadi pondan, so Boi hevat.”
“Err..”

This isn’t right. My plan is to get over him by now.

“Come on” , Koko interrupted.

“Fine.. Dulu Boi ade buat plan, kalaw dapat ngorat Koko means Boi hebat. Tapi Boi buat camtoh sebab Boi betol betol sukekan Koko and Boi takot kalaw Boi ta dapat ngorat, nanti Boi malu. If plan boi gagal, takde lah orang nak pandang rendah kat Boi, cakap Boi kene rejek. Instead, diorank akan cakap PLAN BOI GAGAL. Itu je. Camtoh lah. Dulu memang Boi suke siket je kat Koko, tapi maken lame maken menjadi jadi perasaan ini. Boi rase Boi da sayanggggggggggggg gilak same Koko. Boi dah takde orang laen dah.”

Koko asked, “so how about those scandals of yours? Your friend ade cite kat I you ade banyak scandal kat Taiping.”

Who the hell told him that? I only have 3 intimate friends in Taiping while the rest, a hundred, is around Malaysia. ;l

“Em. He lied. I have no scandals now, I had 'deleted' them out of my life.”
“And macam mane I nak pecaye kat you?”
“Koko, you leh check my phone kot. Tayah nak drama kat sini.”

When I went back to sit beside him, he said, “I do not need to check your phone, I trust you,” and lightly kissed my cheek.

Tell me your dreams | 29

2010-04-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

Everything went great until one night when my past haunted me.

*smile * 'I’ve been missing you. You miss me?'
'No!' *laugh* 'Silly.'
*giggle* 'I want to know about something'.
'Ape die.'
'Do you like me?'
'Yes.'
'And, why is that?'
'Cause’, you’re.. I don’t know. It’s complicated.'
'Are you sure you LIKE me as in ‘LIKE’ or you just suke tengok I?'
'I like you for unknown reasons.'
'Or, maybe, you ‘like’ me because you wanted to impress your friends?'
'How’s that?'
'You know, gambling, betting, kot?'

““What Boi?”
“Well, I ade misi. You taw tak, everytime I suke kat seseorang, I akan buat misi.”
Damn..
“What kind of mission?”
“I akan ngorat die and. Akan macam.. Ala, saketkan ati die or dump him. Or something.””

Tell me your dreams | 8

'NO?! What made you say that?'
'Well, one of my friends told me.'
'That friend of yours must be jealous then.'

Jay. He spilled the beans.

His countenance could not be more conspicuous that time. He started to doubt me.

Tell me your dreams | 28

2010-04-19T03:01:00.000-07:00

Frankly speaking, I didn't know much about his background; and he made it clear to me that he didn't like to talk about his family, personal life or past. All he wanted was me to focus on the 'now and here'. And that, of course, involuntary included the future – no talking about it. That wasn't cool. I like him; and wouldn’t it be wonderful if we know each other well?

I really wished I could secure this relationship. If, let’s say I had no idea who he was at all, would he even bother to look forward meeting me again and again, knowing that we had no special bond? I will never give up as long as there is hope.

So I went to his friends without his knowledge, but every single time I wanted to ask questions about Koko, it ended up in vain. Something inevitable would just oddly pop out in the way. Then I realized, I was stalking him, and that wasn’t good too. In the end, I approached him myself, and Jay would know how much I loved talking, so did Amir, Didi, Shy and Fid and the rest..

Apparently Koko loved to listen too. Hence, as the days were passing by, I got bit by bit what I wanted, information about him, through him.

“HAHAHAHA! Okay. Banyak mende I nak taw pasal you lagi. You know what Boi, when I was a child, I used to observe people around me too, and that...”

The story went on.

We grew much closer by then.

Tell me your dreams | 27

2010-04-15T16:28:00.000-07:00

Do you remember, Koko, when we walked along the pavement in the garden through the night for the second time, when the moon generously light up the path? You were wearing gray-coloured T and your navy jeans, while me, I was pretty much a simple boy - or so I thought - I chose to wear collared T with green and white stripes, with my seasoned jeans. You said I looked cute in that shirt.

Really? Bohonk ah.. :p
Isk betul. Tak caye sudah. Boi, asal cam gelap je? :O
Malam kot.. Da lah lampu tade, cial betol MBSA nih. Erk. x(
Takot tak? :p
Tak pon.. :l
Mak saye cakap.. Kalaw takut... :k

:(((

Kene pelok and ciom!!!!!! :DD

He kissed my cheek. Couldn't really describe how I felt. It was a mixture of many unfamiliar feelings, but all that came out from me was a smile on my face and a little patch of blush on my cheeks that could barely be seen. That night was indeed special, because that was the first night he confessed that he liked me.

'Sumpah, saye suka kat awak..' :|

I like you too Koko.. I swear. :']

Tell me your dreams | 26

2010-04-10T05:34:00.000-07:00

Chapter 4
It was a new beginning.

Koko : Boi, come to my room. I'm all alone.
Boi : Really? You're scared? :p
Koko : Nope. But I believe I need a company.
Boi : I'll come! Wait for me.

Delighed, I scrambled to the toilet, brushed my teeth, washed my face, put on my sweater, swept everything on the bed aside in search of my pants - I was moving at the fastest speed I could but lulled when it drizzled outside. Seconds later, my phone beeped.

Koko : Boi, it's starting to rain.
Boi : I know. Does that mean I shouldn't come?
Koko : I think? It's okay. Maybe next time..
Boi : ..

I put on my pants, locked my locker, went outside, locked the door and looked up into the sky. I can't stay here in my room. I need to see him.

As I walked down the stairs, the drizzle slowly turned into heavy rains. I could not hear anything anymore, apart from the sound of the raindrops against the surface of the roof. There was no one around, it was as if the hostel was abandoned. Most of the rooms in the opposite block were dark, and the lighted rooms were yet gloomy. I felt something wrong, but I couldn't fathom what it was. Maybe, just maybe, I was just being paranoid, I was not sure. So I ran, ran through the rain, to get to Koko's.

When I reached his room, I knocked on his door, and prayed that this would be an opportunity for me to get to know Koko even more.

I prayed, hoping that he would be happy to see me.

I prayed, that he would like me even though I was drenched.

I prayed, that -

'Boi?'

I instantly lost my breath.

'Err. Hye..' :l
'You came?!' :D
'Well, yes.' :']
'Penat lari ke?' :p
'Yeap.. Penatnye lari?!'
'Dekat je kot?' -.-
'Hujan..' :O

I was lying. He took my breath away..

Tell me your dreams | 25

2010-04-07T11:10:00.000-07:00

I woke up that that morning with the absence of mind. I still remember how the sun shone in the room though, when the curtains swayed with the flow of the wind.

Another beautiful yet empty day.

I didn't know why, but I longed to pass the day, and waited for the night to come.

Another night, another drama.

But that night, I finally reached the juncture to the good path.

I couldn't remember anything in particular, I didn't even know how it worked out, but my relationship with Koko had gradually changed for the better. Yes, starting that night. Jay had withdrew himself out of our life when he realized he had done a really bad wrongdoing; even though I insisted on telling him he did not do anything wrong at all.

I forgot most of the things, I could only recall little pieces out of all when thinking about it. But I could recount almost a lot about what I did with Koko afterwards, for I was indeed happy. He seemed to really like me, just like the way I did towards him.

Tell me your dreams | 24

2010-02-24T00:34:00.000-08:00

It was a turning point for Jay. Since that incident he would come into my room looking for Koko, no longer to listen to my concealed stories about my childhood, my problems, those people around me, things I had fallen in love with and dislikes. I slept side by side with him no more - he would wait for Koko. When he greeted me with “hye”, I heard and saw no other, but a stranger.

I told Chomb about how it felt when a close friend stole away your loved one, while gasping for air that seemed inadequate in the atmosphere, sobbing through the conversation. I was embarrassed of myself.
When Didi and I plotted a series of plan to get rid of Jay from our room in a way that he wouldn’t get hurt, he started to curse me with harsh words. He had never, cursed me before.

“You are so fucked up.”

My bubbly nights had evolved into terrible nightmares.

Koko and Jay were lying on my bed while outside, I was pretending watching videos. I was lost, lost in the blank notepad on the screen. My mind wandered into so many things regarding friendship and love. When night had grown older, I prayed that they were already gone to sleep so that they wouldn’t do anything that might upset me. I turned around, glanced into my room; and through the small opening - I saw them touching each other in the dark. The lit of hope went off.

There was a hole a size of a thumb through the wall between my room and Didi’s. When Koko and Jay locked Didi’s room, and turned off the light, I would rush into mine and locked the door, turned off the light and climbed up the double-decker bed against the wall. Slowly, with extremely strong heart beat, I placed my right ear onto the hole. Few minutes later I would be covering my mouth with my palm, shedding warm tears along with a broken heart as a company to help me get through the night.

I knew I had loved Koko more than I had loved anyone else.
Goodnight, sweet dreams..

Tell me your dreams| 23

2010-02-17T16:37:00.000-08:00

Jay paced out looking blissful. He told me Koko was not a good kisser, he bit. I don't care how he kisses. I care about what you're doing to me. Every, single word, that came out from Jay's mouth was killing me, I felt like slapping him, or cursed him to death, I even imagined him being incinerated alive before me. He was smiling, not to realize that he was dancing, on my sorrow.

"Boi, are you okay? Boi? Ok tak?"

It was really gloomy. I hated Kampong (rural area). I kept looking at every corner of the house for I was much disturbed by the presence of flying insects. It was almost 7, and outside, the sky was getting darker..

Nizam looked at me, thoughtful. Both Sophie and he waited for my answer. I nodded. We would go through the dark to get home, I’d be riding Sophie’s bike, while Nizam would take Sophie with his bike. When I agreed, the expression on Nizam’s face changed. He looked at me feeling guilty. I knew he loved me. We just simply couldn’t deny a request coming from a girl. But, Sophie lied, she said she was not able to see in the dark, but I knew she always went out at night with her bike. And when she passed me the key, she made that slutty look, as if she had controlled us both. I wish I could say, I HATE YOU SOPHIE. STOP LIKING ME AND NIZAM! GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE! NIZAM IS MINE, AND I AM HIS! She was smiling, not to realize that she was dancing, on my sorrow..

On the road, I sped my bike. I didn’t look back. The rain had fallen. The coldness of the rain drops were like slashes of icy sword cutting to my bones. There were times where Nizam tried to catch up, and I saw Sophie holding him tight around her arms. I wanted to suicide. I remember putting a halt at a particular spooky hut. I parked my bike on the road and went across the drain to get under it. I heard noises from inside but I could not see anyone. I was scared, but I was dying, felt like there was no enough time to be scared..

When I got onto my bike again, I cried. I put on my helmet and rode off.

An hour had passed, and I was getting near home, still weeping. I was such, a loser. Suddenly Nizam called my name when I slowed down at a junction. I turned around; and saw them both hang around at a bus stop on my left. Nizam ran to me and held my shoulder, asking, “Boi, are you okay? Boi..? Ok tak?

“BOI!”
“I okay je, Jay. Hehehe.”
:’(

Tell me your dreams | 22

2010-01-28T20:37:00.000-08:00

Didi was stunted as well. He got into his room, put his backpack on his bed, went outside, stormed into my room and locked the door. He stared at me; and finally, broke down. When I saw him crying, I stopped myself from crying for I did not want to make thing worse. As tears came flowing down his cheeks, he told me what he just saw; and what had happened last night, what had happened when I was no longer teasing Jay..

So this was what I knew, the reason why Jay kept busting in the room Koko and the rest were in was because he wanted to grab Koko's attention. Koko had confessed that he liked Jay when he busted in the first time, and for that, chemical reactions had taken place. The last time Jay entered the room when I had given up chasing him and went outside to get some fresh air, he shamelessly kissed Koko in front of everybody. And none said a word.

My sadness had turned into rage, yet, sadly, I didn’t know what to do. Jay was my closest friend, used to be an anecdote. Now that he had turned into poison, how could I be cured?

If I beat him up for satisfaction, it could ruin my relationship with Koko, or worse, I could end up being kicked out from college. If I stay silent, then I would have to bear the unexplainable pain for weeks. I was confused. That night, I was completely dead..

Tell me your dreams | 21

2010-01-23T15:37:00.000-08:00

I didn't want to say much to Koko because I afraid I might say something that would spoil our mutual mood. Not wanting to give an image of amateur to Koko by staying silent, I kissed him on his forehead and told him I needed to finish my assignments. I stood up, waved him goodbye and walked out.

I did not say those 3 magic words..

I sat on my chair and beamed at Jay who was waiting fom the past 5 minutes.

"How was it?!" :DD
"Em.. Nothing. Bese bese je. We did nothing.." :p
"Really? I doubt that!"
"Haha. LOL~ I suci lagi ok."

Do you know what a person feels when he has friends who are understanding, caring and open minded? He feels comfortable - he doesn't need a diary, a blog or other friends because the ones that he has are reliable enough. They can share stories, hopes, and fears.

That was what I always believe back then, until Jay shouted,

"Okay now it's my turn!"

and dashed into the dark room where Koko was in.

I was left dumbfounded.. I didn't know why he did that.. Then I heard the lock of the door, it echoed in my ears.

When the flashes of the things Jay might do with Koko came knocking every corner of my mind, I clenched my fists and ran into my own room (there were two rooms in a dorm). Have you ever feel as if your heart was shot, and the bullet had gone through your heart, leaving a hole on it? That was what I felt.. I quivered in the darkness agaisnt my locker, crying silently with hands covering my mouth.

Didi came into the room, and walked towards his door. He wanted to open the door, but was taken aback when he saw me crying. He came near me with the intention to ask what had happened, but I stuttered before he could even ask, "please, bukak pintu tu.." I could tell that he was puzzled, but I know Didi, he hated drama. So he scurried outside, grabbed the knob, and pushed. In vain.

We both heard one of those two people in that locked room saying, "tunggu jap, tengah pakai baju."

My heart, shattered in pieces..

Tell me your dreams 18

Tell me your dreams | 20

2010-01-20T08:18:00.000-08:00

The next night was very much the same as the previous. The tension I experienced was too much to bear. My anecdote of feeling pressured, my closest friend, Jay, was sitting near me as usual. I thanked God. :')

Anyway, I've told readers before my memories about these shits regarding Koko were all jumbled up, but this one incident, this particular time, I could recall very accurately. Every time I think of it, my heart would bleed, and it feels like it has just occurred few moments ago.

Koko entered my room searching for Didi. I was not sure why he was looking for him, but it was such a strange thing. Koko asked me "where's Didi?" and I replied, "nope, tak taw pon.. Dok ah dalam bilek die tugu die jap." From his face, I could tell that he thought I was not interested with his presence, so he hastily glanced away, rushed to Didi's room and shut the door closed.

"Boi, nape die carik Didi ek."
"Ntah lah Jay. Maybe diorank scandal kot. HAHAHA!"
"Eww. Motif sangat. U, u tanak pegi cakap ngn Koko kew. Die kan you punye.."
"You.." :')

I was touched by what Jay had said. I couldn't believe that my feelings, all the things I'd told Jay about, were comprehensible. Now that Jay had proposed me such inviting offer, my eyes were widened, I was again happy, I shouted, "YES!" Thank you anecdote. :)

I knocked the door and bid "Hello" to Koko who was lying on Didi's bed. I closed the door slowly and approached Koko. He was very handsome, highly attractive, and possessed an alluring body scent - a definition of hotness. I laid down besides him, trying to initiate a conversation. Before I could construct a sentence, however, Jay who waited outside, eventually came into the room without knocking and excitedly said with eagerness, "I pon nak join!!!!" I was puzzled.. I forced a smile and confronted Jay with ounces of patience, "Jay, tugu lah jap. I nak ckp ngn Koko nih.." He insisted at first, saying he still wanted to join, but seeing Koko and me lying close to each other, he started himself outside.

I was still puzzled, and I did not know what Koko was thinking. He acted very cool.. Koko grinned at me and began talking to break the walls between us. Koko made me flying on clouds, and from what I experienced and observed, I could sense that he really liked me. He held me gently, as if I was fragile, and whispered to me that he missed me. I was speechless. He knew it was the right moment, so he touched my neck with his soft fingers, and kissed me on my forehead and cheeks. :')

Tell me your dreams |19

2010-01-19T10:11:00.000-08:00

Chapter 3
It was such a hectic period of time. My head, it felt like it was going to explode with all the tension of finishing up the assignments I had been given to. With screen full of tabs and applications, besides how stuffy my room was at the moment, I just wanted to scream my guts out. However, seeing Jay who looked so calm reading a book near me had calmed my heart as well, and at the same time, stopped me from doing what I intended to do.

Suddenly Didi came in telling someone wanted to see me. I was eager to know who was it, but instantly lost the interest when I peered back into the screen full of unfinished tasks. I was exhausted..

Seconds later Koko came into the room waving at me. I was surprised and touched. He walked towards my direction and when he reached me, he grabbed my shoulders with his warm palms and coyly pressed them with heavy breaths. I closed my eyes and felt as if my problems had disseminated into the air. After awhile he went into Didi's room and waited for his friends to come.

When I thought I was more relaxed, I started to become myself again. I began to chase Jay around the room and poked him here and there, laughing and jumping like a child who had lost his insanity. I thought the feeling would never end - I was thrilled and hyper - but finally, something really small upset me. Jay kept busting the door of the room Koko was in, and that got on my nerves. I decided to leave the room.

Tell me your dreams 17

Tell me your dreams | 18

2010-01-18T07:56:00.000-08:00

Someone else's point of view ends here.
I was at a meeting in my college when Koko asked me where I was. He said he wanted to see me; and if he could, he want to sleepover in my room. I was excited, I lost all my concentration during the meeting, looking forward to the other meeting I would have with Koko. I couldn't believe it - Koko wished to see me and he had put the effort to walk from his block to mine.

When I was done with my work, I rushed myself to the 4th floor. My heart pounded hard with every step I took, but when I entered my room, I sensed something fishy. I strolled slowly towards my room but before I grabbed the door knob, I glanced into the other room and I saw Boi who stood still against his locker, quivering in the dark. I lowered my hands and started myself to him. He then knelt on the floor and said hopelessly, "please, bukak pintu tu.."

I was in a state of shock; and the atmosphere in the room was getting tensed as Boi shed tears in those lifeless eyes. I would like to say something to comfort him, but was held back by his cried. Suddenly I felt the urge to open the door and when I grabbed the door knob, twisted and pushed, the door was locked.

The only image I remember when I stood there like an idiot, was the dark chocolate coloured door. Everything else, including Boi, disappeared from sight and mind. Someone had shouted out from inside the room "tunggu jap, tengah pakai baju." When the door had been opened, I witnessed Koko putting on his T while Jay was looking very happy..

My heart shattered, into pieces..

Tell me your dreams | 17

2010-01-14T07:12:00.000-08:00

Boi was busy typing I didn’t know what on Jay’s laptop. He glanced at me for a couple of seconds, and then peered back into the screen. He didn't bother with the fact that someone wanted to see him. Weird, but this is a good news FOR ME.

Koko had been waiting outside for only one second but he seemed rather restless. He took a deep breath when getting no response, faked an eager face and walked into my room in Boi's direction. I was instantly irritated so I stormed away.

Wait, I'm not gonna give up.

I called Chomb and Aima and asked them to come over. I want to make Koko stick around. And it was a success in doing so. We had a great time gossiping and sharing stories. However, it didn't last for long.

Jay and Boi were making noise outside, they acted like little children who had lost their insanity. Once in awhile Jay would bust the door as if it was meant to be destroyed. It was hell exasperating. When I locked the door, Jay would senselessly knocking the door and begging for it to be opened.

I thought it was going to end there, when Boi was no longer around, and Jay was starting to realize that he was getting tired. But unfortunately, something else happened. Jay paraded around my room with the face that told, 'I know all of you very well'; and that was when he hurt me..

Tell me your dreams | 16

2009-12-29T05:21:00.000-08:00

Yes, it was thrilling to have him sit near me. As Koko was speaking, I mustered the strength in keeping my face controlled, not wanting Koko to know what I was feeling towards him. When everyone mentioned (except Chomb) wanted to go back to their own room, that was when I asked for Koko's number.

There you go, one, sleepless night. :]

Then came just a slightly disappointing night after few days had gone by. I bumped into Koko somewhere in my college and without hesitation, I asked him where he wanted to go. He said "I nak jumpak Chomb jap". I felt the chill of happiness when he uttered CHOMB, for Chomb was my neighbour. I am so gonna walk with him up to the 4th floor.

When we both reached on the 4h floor, Koko was divided. He wanted me to stay with him there at the middle as he made up his mind. Should he go straight to Chomb's on his right, or turn with me to my room on the opposite side so he could meet Boi?' After seconds holding me in the state of still, he chose to wait outside and sent me the quest to calling out for Boi. It was disappointing, but there was nothing I could do.

So I walked into my room, there was Boi at his desk, doing his work; and Jay sitting next to him. Fine, this is for Koko - "Boi, ade sorang kawan you nak jumpe!"

Tell me your dreams | 15

2009-12-27T10:38:00.000-08:00

This is from someone else's point of view.
I didn't know what exactly was wrong with Boi, but he was so happy back then. I heard some friends talking about his new boy, but I never had the chance to clarify. Besides, he never told me anything about it AT ALL.

One night I was walking to my room when I spotted Boi and this one really handsome chap who sat with him at the round table. If that's the guy Boi keeps talking about, then BOI IS HELL LUCKY!

Days after that, without asking Boi himself (I didn't want to get into any trouble!), I got to know that they were not an item, yet. I thought to myself, "why don't I, get into it."

I couldn't believe my life could be as lucky as it appeared. I still remember this really vividly..

I was in Chomb's room. We were neighbours. Aima who stayed at Block B came to Chomb's and so did KOKO. Yes, the name of the guy was KOKO! OMG! *BEHAVE* Anyway, they were close friends; and this is it, the access to Koko. Very, LUCKY.

This is how you spell LUCKY, people. L.U.C.K.Y. :p

Tell me your dreams | 14

2009-12-27T01:28:00.000-08:00

Koko raised a stick,

Koko gained the courage to show his true feeling towards me. He started to introduce me to his friends and tell them that he was very fond of me. Quite often he called me as 'budak manje' or 'budak kecik' when hanging out with his friends. I wanted to introduce him to my friends in return, but they already knew him since early semester (I'd been talking about him like forever) so I think it would be appropriate to pass.

touched my heart;

He always asked me out to have dinner or anything with him. I was very nervous. I remember going out with him to Anis Sup Utara and I telephoned Jay and asked him to come over. That was a stuuupiiiiddddd thing to do. But Koko was totally cool. Jay and Koko were friends ever since. My life had been great when I figured out where my position was in his life. I found easiness in every step I took when I was with him and also one thing I always wanted in life - happiness.

and carved his name on it.

"Boi, ini kali kedua i bagitaw u. I ego, and i tak selalu buat mende poyo macam ni. Tapi, I love you. I really love you."

Tell me your dreams | 13

2009-12-25T22:31:00.000-08:00

After karaoke Faey went back to her hostel because she couldn't join us for DINNER. Koko brought me to Secret Recipe and asked me "Do you like cake, dear?" I was totally nervous, I only uttered "YEP!" Then he asked me to take whatever cakes I want. I picked none.

He took about 4 different slices and we sat on a table at a corner. He talked about his favourite dishes and drinks, till we both got bloated. We then walked home by walking through Taman Tasik. It was dark but he kept holding my hands saying 'there's nothing to be afraid of' - it was true, I felt nothing but secure.

"Boi, saya nak cakap sesuatu ngan awak." :|
"Em. U nak cakap ape?" Silence. "AWAK?" :p
"Saye nak buat confession."
"Contoh? Erk."
"Saya dah mula sukakan awak. Suka sangat." :]

Tell me your dreams | 12

2009-12-24T10:52:00.000-08:00

At this point, my memories about the things that had happened have some been erased, some been put in unconscious part of the mind and some been jumbled up. I find it hard to write a lot for I could only recall those jumbled up. I HATE MYSELF! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One day Koko asked me to meet him somewhere in our college and I was so happy. It was raining cats and dogs, but I was determined to putting on my clothes and ran to block B. I forgot to tell he had moved out to Block B early that semester because this part was brought to unconscious mind. I hate my brain. :(

I ran really fast but I was still late. He said “you’re late”. We talked for couple of minutes and I went back to my room feeling excited.

Then Fasting month came. I introduced Koko to couple of my close friends, including the girls. They were like, “OMG HE REALLY IS HANDSOME.” and I was like, “I TOLD CHAAAA.” They were happy for me but Faey was kind of disappointed I guess. I liked her but she said she like Acap, my senior, and that gave me the guts to go on with Koko. I hate to interrupt a girl in a relationship because I respect girls very much. If she had not admitted she liked Acap, things might be a little different. :(

One day I decided to broke fast with Faey and Faey gave me the idea to invite Koko to break fasting with us. I was extremely nervous but Faey was so eager, she wanted to meet Koko in person. Okay, here we go. I texted Koko, asked him directly and guess WHAT, he agreed. He came by bus to Dataran Plaza Alam Central as soon as he got my message. I was so happy he liked me. But I was still shy like HELL. Everybody was looking at him at the Bazar he was really good, LOOKING, CHAP. After we broke fast we three went to Karaoke! He had such a beautiful voice, and so did Faey. They really make my day. :')

I MELTED TO THE GROUND.

Tell me your dreams | 11

2009-12-21T17:42:00.000-08:00

Chapter 2
Due to the outbreak of an epidemic, holidays for a week were granted.

Loads of people were busy packing their stuffs – they wanted to go home. Me and Tommy were walking down the stairs when we saw Jay standing nearby his room’s door, darting sights. I learnt that he had nowhere to go since his hometown was in Kuching, and a week – break would not worth for him to go back. So I invited him to come to Taiping and stay with me.

One day we went out to Taiping Central and we were busy checking out stuffs sold at a stall inside the mall. And to my surprise Koko came passing by, and Jay poked me and said “OMG IS THAT KOKO?” paused for seconds and continued, “It’s him!”

I looked over to him with eagerness. He was walking with a friend; he was wearing a gray t-shirt with nice checker short and was carrying a back pack on his back. He was really handsome, as always.

This is just a dream. This is too good to be true..

"Err. Jay?! Buat bodo jew!"

I was extremely nervous.
I did nothing. I was disappointed. Disappointed of myself.

Another week passed without me texting him. And this time it was not because of my stupid deadly ego or any of my shitty plans. It was because I was beginning to feel very, shy.

Tell me your dreams | 10

2009-12-17T11:03:00.000-08:00

Come on Boi, you're not serious are you? Forgot about the whole jealousy and concerns. You hate commitment.

I hate commitment. Every single time I tried to commit into any relationship; it would burn down and leave me hollow. Analogically, it’s like eating a lot of calories; and at the end, your body suffers from some kind of disease, and before you know it, you’re dead. It came to my brain that when it concerns commitment, both sides need to put their ego aside, and put the required effort to contributing into the relationship, but unfortunately, that rarely happens.

So Koko, with his intimidating life, I felt like giving up. This is the time, the time I should get over. But for the sake of the mission I had in mind, I place him nicely in my list. I told Jay I wouldn't text Koko anymore, but still I talked about him. I was confused. I couldn't get my head straight.

A week had passed since I last texted him. I didn’t get any big news from him, just some information I dug out from his friend, Taufiq, who was also Shy and Kei’s roommate. I would ask simple questions about ‘how is he doing’, and stuff like that every time I bumped into Taufiq.

One day I was severely downed with fever. I was lying on my bed alone in my own room while Mr. Jay was in the other room doing his work. I got nothing else better to do, so I decided to go to sleep. To my surprise, Taufiq texted me and asked my whereabouts. I told him I was in my room. Then he replied, “tunggu jap ah. Jap gi aku dtg lawat ko. Ade org nak ikot skali.”

I didn't know HOW, but I could totally sense it. Koko would tag along. Quickly, I pulled my blanket and covered everything except my face, and pretended to be sick. Wait. I AM sick, I don't have to work hard to pretend!

The light in my room were off. I watched as Taufiq walked towards me and there he was, Koko, standing just couple of feet away from Taufiq. They said HYE and we chatted about the fever I had and a lot of other people were having. I wanted to smile because I was very excited but I held it back and drew frowns instead. At the end Koko had to leave me early because he wanted to go clubbing and I thought, 'WHAT A JERK.'

After couple of minutes he came back and sat on my bed.
As a second thought. Well. I didn't know.
This is not what a jerk would do..
I was totally confused.

Tell me your dreams | 9

2009-12-16T09:23:00.000-08:00

It was an odd evening. My room was empty, and my head was spinning like hell when I woke up. I hovered myself towards my cell phone and I reluctantly pressed on several buttons. It was odd. Something was not right. It wasn’t just ONE, or TWO, or THREE, but 37 missed calls from more than 10 different people, besides tons of messages. I wanted to read, but I thought it would be better if I take my bath before anything. As I lowered down my phone on the bed again, I realized there was one message in there that caught my attention. Shy’s message. When you’re at college, practice this - close friends first.

‘Boi.. Koko ajak i klua dinner ngn die malam nih. Perlu ke i pegi?’

My mouth was wide opened,

’HAH? YE KEW! Ntah lah.. If i, i kua kot!’

and I screamed out disappointment.

’Okay. Tapi i nak pakai baju kale ape ek? Yellow?’

I didn’t reply. Instead, I quickly texted Jay and asked him where he was.
With a worried face, I ran down to the second floor of the block and rushed towards Jay who was standing at the hall. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into a room.

“You, you taw tak Koko ajak Shy kua? I tataw lah betol ke tak.. Ntah ntah die yg ajak Koko kua.. I sedih gila kot. Ergh! Bengang siot. Shy toh ckp je tak suke perampas, tapi die pon nak jadik yg same.”

“Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...”

“Die siap tanye lagi nak pakai baju ape sume. Daa. I sedih kot. I da lame teringin nak kua ngn Koko. WAA!”

That was all I could recount. My mind, it has blocked some of the painful memories I had gone through. The next thing I remembered was me walking out of that room and slowly tip – toed on the stairs but Shy who stayed in the opposite room had opened his door and smiled at me. I forced a smile and said, “SHY!! OMG.. So camne?” Does this look real? Darn. Conspicuous. With a grin, he answered, “I still can’t decide what shirt I should wear.” I forgot the rest of the conversation, but if I were to explain how I felt, I would simply say, bleeding. My close friend had stabbed me right into my face.

When Shy entered his room, Jay was out. I hate this, but I gotta do this!

“OMG JAY! I da taw dah penipuan korank!
“Hahaha. It was all Shy’s idea!”

That was how I knew it was all a prank, and thanks to Jay, for spilling the beans.

But how could this happen? I mean, how could I be sad?
If I didn't give a damn about Koko, I wouldn't feel that way..

Tell me your dreams | 8

2009-12-11T11:42:00.001-08:00

Life went on as happy as it seemed. Shy, Amir, Jay and I would attend a small meeting with some other friends and we would talk about things that happened on that day, that had taken place in the past or might come about in future.. Gossip.

One day, something unpleasant had occurred. I learnt that one of my friend's crush was actually a jerk. This particular person, Haris, spoke to Jay about my friends and bombed a friend of mine with sarcasm. That was when I felt - jerks are always jerks.

Looking at the spinning blades of the fan, I realized how idiotic I had become. What was I thinking? Koko - through the observation and analysis I had done, I knew exactly what type of person he was. Flirtatious, and well, you know, with all kinds of shits one would have in a particular lifestyle.

We were lying side by side as usual; and Jay was trying his very best to listen to what I was saying. He would take his time commenting here and there, and made me feel very much comfortable. I couldn’t stop talking! I trust him. 'Yes Boi, you can trust him. You might as well tell him your ultimate secret..'

“Jay. You taw tak. “
“What?”
“Well, ekceli I..”
Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe next time..
“What Boi?”
“Well, I ade misi. You taw tak, everytime I suke kat seseorang, I akan buat misi.”
Damn..
“What kind of mission?”
“I akan ngorat die and. Akan macam.. Ala, saketkan ati die or dump him. Or something.”
"Motif sangat?"
"Tapi tak pernah beniat. Die macam automatik jadik camtoh. Hearts are meant to be broken. KAlaw bukan diorank yg saket, i yg saket.. So i called this as MISSION. So its not me yg akan saket."

Amazed and confused, Jay said, “Are you going to.. You know, to Koko?”
“Em.. Yeah..”

Tell me your dreams | 7

2009-12-11T04:11:00.000-08:00

Ryan left me and the others that night. I never had the chance to tell what I saw, felt and thought about Koko to him. I didn't want to bother him with my stories when all he was thinking was his dreams and the bits of troubles he was having. Didi and I said ‘Goodbye’, gave him a big hug and waved him as we watched him leaving the college with parents, his younger brother and sister.

Now that Ryan wasn’t around, and there was space for another person (more than just ample) to be in Didi’s room, I decided to treat the room as if it was mine. Jay and I were quite happy to be in that room, but I was feeling emotional every time the images of Ryan crossed my mind. I’ll get over it.

The first few days were what I called as ‘normal’. Jay and I would lie side by side and talked about everything in that room, and felt carefree. And sometimes it would all come down to a specific topic, a topic which excited me, topic I wanted all my friends to know, ‘Koko’. I started to tell Jay about what I saw, felt and thought about Koko. I was sure I was not being obsessive or weird in any way. It came from my pure mind.

I am just kidding. It wasn’t pure.

I had already set out my attack few days earlier on Koko. I texted him, and surprisingly, he replied with ounces of warmth. However, I could still sense the mist of egoism in every message received. Never mind, that doesn’t matter. The harder, the better.

“What’s up with that guy, what was his name again? Ko-”
“Koko!”
“Yes.”
“Haa. Skunk nak citaaa sket. Die reply kot message I! Tak sangke woh. I rase, die mesti tataw I yg mane satu. Maybe die taw. Ntah lah. Die macam tataw jew.”
“You ni -”
“Tapi kan. Arinih die tak reply message lagi. Jap.” I paused, then browsed over sent messages. Sighed. “Bapak sombonk siot.”
“Hahaha. Well, maybe die -”

Suddenly my phone rang. And the name Koko was on the screen. I jumped out of the bed, and said eagerly, “FUCK! It’s HIM! WEEE!”

That was the first time he called. The conversation lasted about 8 minutes but it felt as if it took longer than 15 minutes. Satisfied, and feeling highly contented, I ran back to Jay and yelled out, “O-M-G! Die orang TAIPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Tell me your dreams | 6

2009-12-11T00:40:00.000-08:00

It was just my thing, to tell stores about what I see, feel and think. If someone asked me ‘how are you’, I would answer, “I’m okay”.. And it didn’t always end there. The answer would involuntarily be extended later on.

My close friends were always the victims – having to listen to what I needed to say. Since Shy was a witty, independent, approachable person, I preferred telling him weird stories, mostly about my scandals. And since Jay was who he was, I would tell him just, EVERYTHING. Amir wasn’t really interested in listening, but I always forced him to do so, LISTEN TO ME! while Fid, well, he had his own problems beyond complication, so I chose to stay away.

Every time we sat at a particular round table located just a few feet away from our block, I would have the tendency to call out Koko’s name. And they knew exactly how I felt. I was excited, thrilled, and when Koko walked passing by, I would be lost in the mist of euphoria. I was crazy. I could see Amir and Shy made that one light face of disgusted expression, and Jay uttered out ‘EWW~’. None of them showed an annoyed expression.. They knew exactly how I felt..

Anyway, Ryan had finally decided (should I say his PARENTS had decided for him?) to accept the offer he got from IPBA. He wanted to further his study overseas, and that had always been his ultimate dream since he was a little kid, but I was confirmed that IPBA doesn’t provide such opportunity for those who would teach in primary school. I wasn’t sure what to believe, when Ryan insisted on his own statement saying there was, but I was damn sure I would miss Ryan. That big, out-spoken and a funny kind-of guy.
It was true, I missed him.

Tell me your dreams | 5

2009-12-10T10:27:00.000-08:00

Jay lived on the second floor of the same block, while Shy, Fid and Amir were in the same room in front of Jay’s. Since Jay had the feeling of being the odd one out when staying with a bunch of strangers in his own room - not to forget, he was the closest friend among the rest - he chose to stay in mine; and that included sleeping and hanging out with me, Ryan and Didi. I was glad to have him in the same room; I almost felt he was my roommate and he was meant to stick around. Jay was a funny, intelligent, highly articulated person. He could talk to anyone, and people would find him very friendly.

One night, Ryan was dozing off on a bed put on the floor next to the double-decker where Jay and I were. We spent the night gossiping, looking at each others, teasing and laughing.

“Jay, u tengok nih, magic.”

“What?”

“Okay, I akan buat Ryan ikot cakap i. Tengok aaaahh..”

With a slow, well – arranged words, I demanded Ryan who was sleeping to rub his nose using his finger. I repeated the same line thrice, and moments later, Ryan raised his hand really quick and rubbed his nose.

Jay was impressed. A night after that, Jay tried to perform the same magic, but Ryan suddenly woke up and surprised us with “HAA!” We all fooled each other, how funny. After a brief chat, Ryan requested something from both me and Jay, something that seemed awkward – “would you guys kiss? Please, before I go. I wanna see how you guys kiss!”

What Ryan said, had brought pieces of memories of how I began to like Jay.

If it wasn’t because of his intelligence, I wouldn’t have flirt with him. Thank God he was a genius. I couldn’t recall the first time I spoke to him, but I remember very well the first time I saw him. I always knew he was not, a STRAIGHT male. I started at the middle and worked my way to the top – wording, texting, reading, hanging out, eye – fucking and finally, touching. He confessed that he liked me, and I wasn’t sure, did I say I liked him too? Couldn’t recall. Somehow, my subconscious mind was trying its best engulfing some unwanted memories.

”Please please please!”

“Motif sangat!”

"Eww. Jom Jay, satu kiss jea ok.”

I believed in Jay, and I really adored him. He was such a wonderful close friend.

Tell me your dreams | 4

2009-12-04T09:31:00.000-08:00

Some time after, I’d learnt his real name, as well as his nickname, given by his friends, Koko. It wasn’t all that hard. I just had to ask questions. I went crazy over him when he was near, and went even crazier when I first saw him smiling. It was such a wonderful sight - pure warm smile formed through his fully shaped pinkish lips, on that melted-honey skin, hair cut that suited his face perfectly, high cheek bones and a pair of glistening eyes. Couldn’t be any better.

My next step was to say ‘Hello’. This was the hard part. Many things ran across my mind. At first I only thought of the best way I should take to actually say it, then, without realizing, my brain took me to another level - what kind of friend did he like, what qualities he would be looking for in a person, the things he was interested in, you know, such things; and eventually, I thought about the embarrassment I would get if he didn’t even bother.

I always suck when I made the first move in approaching a person I went gaga about. Every cycle of me, being the one who was being flirted with, had always been a smooth success. A reason why I get over so easily. I know, this weird relationship, if lets say, it’s a success, it wouldn’t last long anyway. Probably just a few weeks.

And I also knew, it was all psychology. I need to learn, improve and excel.
All I needed were two things, number one, wit, number two, courage.

So I chose to investigate.

That was wit.

Shy had helped me couple of times adding people on Myspace for me - using his own account. The rationale of asking Shy to do the job of adding had always come with a good hit; I wanted to know what TYPES of friends did they have on Myspace besides avoiding myself getting caught in their headlights. This was where I reasoned resolvable things my brain had earlier prepared, the bits and bits of information about them.

Then, I chose to text him.

That was courage.

And what I had to do to get his number, was a simple demand from a friend of Koko.

Tell me your dreams | 3

2009-12-03T09:22:00.000-08:00

A sudden meretricious laugh had awakened me who was busy visualizing an oddly structured future. Haha, they just can’t stop making fun of Didi. LOL. I poked a friend who sat beside me, and asked him a question as I pointed to where that boy had just disappeared from sight, "Die dok mane?" and he answered, "bukan atas, bukan bawah, tapi sbelah bilek you KOT~" Really? I thought with a sense of wonder.

My home was on the fourth floor built in the last block in Marina College. Ryan was in the same room as mine, and so did Didi. Our college was a special one. Most of the rooms catered for students had 2 rooms; a room with 2 double-deckers and another one with 1 double-decker. The hall was spacious; it could fit 6 huge desks and yet still have a lot of people around. I stayed in a bigger room with 4 lockers while Didi and Ryan stayed in the other room with 2 lockers for each of them.

The next few days were restless for me. Despite the knowledge that he lived just beside my room, in the same college where I was staying, I barely saw him around. Should I knock on his door and say ‘Hello I need to talk to that boy? Or Wait in front of his room until he sees me (and then of course, I need to have another kind of guts to say ‘HYE’)? Or steal his number from someone he knows? Or.. I don’t know.

It was funny to witness the same scene almost everyday where my friends constantly praising their crushes with creatively varied styles and approaches. One would write his heart down the whiteboard and when he had done, he would sit on the floor with a far-away look, another one would bit his lower lip and gave out heavy breaths now and then, the other one shivered in the heat of madness as he saw his dream guy walked near him; and also, a friend who would just get caught in the dense - preponderance of sensualities.

Mine, however, was the worst, completely exaggerated - I would scream, dance, giggle, laugh, jump, talk dirty, quiver - all at one time.

Tell me your dreams | 2

2009-12-02T02:13:00.001-08:00

How could listening or setting that particular song would possibly indicate that he is not a heterosexual? You’ve got to be kidding me, Ryan. Tired of spending time worthlessly on Ryan, I moved on with my life, having fun with other best friends – Amir, Jay, Didi, Fid and Shy. We hung out around the college, making noises like a bunch of party-goers, pouring out any interesting topics that crossed our mind. Lost in the world of our own, we let many people passing by unnoticed, except, Amir, Jay and Shy’s crush who happened to bypass; and soon, the boy Ryan was talking about.

Amir confessed he had a crush on someone, and I personally thought that someone was a cutie, except he was a lot shorter than Amir was. Jay had a crush on a boy who had bright body skin with messy hair. Good choice. And Shy had a crush on someone who looked pretty aggressive and did not look very much friendly (just my point of view), while the rest of us thought Shy had lost his sanity. Amir left us wondering, Shy left us confused. It was a good thing Jay had cut it clear; he had a crush because the guy was cute.

When I saw the boy Ryan was speaking about, I suddenly came to a state where I voluntarily paused everything around me, and started searching for an answer. Why does my heart pound hard?

From far, I could see that boy looked at me, and then looked back to his friends. He knows I’m staring. Then, he put emphasis on the verbal he made as he walked - as if he was hiding something. Ryan was right, he’s totally gay. I smiled, I think I was beginning to like him.

Tell me your dreams | 1

2009-11-30T23:55:00.000-08:00

Chapter 1
Ryan came running towards me; he looked really stuffed when he did that, and he was panting for air like he was dying. But I knew he was not dying, its just he was too big and he couldn't run much. He's one of my best friends, and I like hanging out with him (when others were around).

Ryan once confessed he was straight to his friends, but after some time, he came out from the closet, saying he was actually confused, might probably be a bisexual. We, the friends were like, ‘DUH!’ because we simply knew, he was attracted to guys. In any ways, it was hard to listen to his ideas especially when it came to having serious romantic relationship for as far as I could remember, he never had one.

He halted before me abruptly and shouted under his breath, “BOI! ADE BUDAK CUTE GILE AND I THINK HE’S GAY!” I darted my sight away searching for one before I excitedly asked “where?” The first description of the boy I heard from Ryan was of perfection – he was a cute guy with intelligent face and flawless skin, had strong sense of fashion and very confident. But where on earth could I believe Ryan, even if the description was true, that person might not be a person I could flirt with.

The next day, all members of our hostel gathered in the cafeteria for a talk and coincidentally I sat behind that boy with two rows of plastic chairs in between. Nothing happened. I only watched him from his back in couple of seconds, and then got back to my own business. Several days later, Ryan came to me again and this time he said he had no doubt that the boy was not a heterosexual. I asked him why, and Ryan answered, “He listens to I WILL SURVIVE. He sets it as his ringtone!”

The Listeners | Ten.

2009-11-29T15:28:00.000-08:00

A lot of my friends does not really understand how my mind really works. It gets beyond complication sometimes. But Epy, my pet sister knows me well. Our principles of how the mechanism of mind works are very much the same.

She's very intelligent, independent and daring. She would get what she wants, by hook or by crook. So no messing with her. She takes care of me even though im a boy and supposedly boys should take care of themselves. That's something, right? Very special and blessed.

So everytime i face problems, i know i could rely on her. I would sit close to her, or sometimes when i want to hide my ugly face i often make during this sort of period, i would lay my head on her laps. She would listen to what i have to say very carefully and say what i need to hear. The thing about what she says is that, all of them is true, agreeable and experienced - based. What i thought would happen if i do this and that, would come out from her mouth, exactly like my thoughts, in the form of words and sounds.

She has helped me a lot. And it has been a year since i first knew her. Im feeling so grateful and lucky to have her as my petsister, the only petsister who is willing to stay till today.

Aku suka kamu | Why..

2009-11-23T01:00:00.000-08:00

I woke up quite early in the morning that day. I heard people talking outside my room (actually it's a guest room) and to be honest, it was annoying. One of the voices, was a voice of a guy. Besides noticing the fact that it was tone-exaggerated, it was also familiar to my ears. Chesses. So i opened the door slowly, tip toed to the stairs and took a peep at the hall. HOLY SHIT. I knew it..

I went back to my room (not really my room) and took my bath. Riana was already on her car when i walked down the stairs. Holy. Shit. Again. So it was just me, Aliff and Luna. Luna greeted me, "MORNING", but Aliff ignored me like TOTALLY. He was looking into Luna's eyes, as if she was talking to him even though its crystal clear she was talking to me. I was invited to have breakfast with them but before i ate i said "WOW VERY LOUD FOOD. DIN' KNOW FOOD COULD TALK!" And Luna laughed her ass off while Aliff rolled his eyes away from me and sighed.

Luna told me to light a cig for her, and then she went outside near the pool, out of my sight. Then Aliff followed her. I was holding Luna's cig, and i thought this might be one of her ways of telling me i could smoke her cig in her house, but then i had a second thought. Maybe she had something in her mind - so she forgot her cig she told me to light OR, perhaps, she intended to make me stay just where i was sitting. I looked at the pies on the plate while i was thinking. I didn't know in what kind of possibility those pies could give me a hint of future disaster.

I closed my eyes, trying to collect any sound i could hear from outside, but in vain. I started to suspect something, bad. So again, really slowly, i drew myself close to the window where the pool could get into sight. With caution, i pulled the curtains away from each other, allowing the outside morning light to get in - and there i stood, watching Luna and Aliff kissed before my eyes. I just hoped it would stop, but it lasted about couple of minutes after. My heart broke really hard, i could almost feel a person stab a knife into it, and clear salty water droplets had formed in my eyes. I closed the curtain back, took a deep breath, walked to the door without sounds, put on my shoes, and walked home.. And cried.

Sebagai kekasih, yg tak dianggap aku hanya bisa,
Mencoba mengalah.. Menahan setiap amarah..
Sebagai kekasih, yg tak dianggap aku hanya bisa,
Mencoba bersabar, ku yakin kau kan berubah..

Aku suka kamu | Hmph..

2009-11-20T08:46:00.000-08:00

There was a time when we were hangin' out, Luna was so excited, she held my hand so tight, and she didn't want to let go..

Out of her many friends though, there was a person, her best friend i guess, who wasn't around at that time. She asked me whether i want to meet her - and i answered NO because i knew who she is already. But she insisted, hence she asked me to sleep over at her house and i agreed. I know people, the idea of staying at a girl's house is ridiculous, but all i wanted is Luna.. :(

At her house, i met Riana, the friend. I think MY friends might had noticed that i often went out of my hostel. This is one of the activities. Hmph. Going out and have fun.

Have fun..

Aku suka kamu | Lol.

2009-11-19T08:25:00.000-08:00

I missed Tommy, my current boyfie.
You know, readers, he wanted me to change for him. We talked about this shit over and over again. So, i changed, okay? But then, he treated me like garbage. When i asked him, "what do you really want? I thought u want me to change?!" And he would reply will full of ignorance, with twisted words and shits - with a message of "its too late". When i changed myself back to normal (or in other words, an ignorant, manipulative and shitty person), he would talk about the issue AGAIN. It was helllllll boring. But i missed him, and i cared about him. I told most of my friends "hey you guys, i have a boyfriend and he's perfect" and stories about how wonderful and cute he could be. He, in return, broke my heart by having sex with one of my contacts. :)

So i turned myself to Luna. She healed the bruises Tommy had done. Even though she didn't really know about Tommy or all that behind scene thingies (OMG IM USING HYPOCORISM!), without judgment of any kind, she treated me nicely, and it made me feel very content - just like those people who know how to treat me when i am down. Im not praising her too much do i?

I started to make friends with Luna's friends. I always believe that to secure the bond between a male and a female, the male has to tackle the friends of the female. LOL! And from my own lame observation, i think they like me. We could all make joke about shits and stuff. So yeah.

There was a time when we were hangin' out, Luna was so excited, she held my hand so tight, and she didn't want to let go. Well, that might be a sign of..

Aku suka kamu | Hum.

2009-11-05T19:51:00.000-08:00

Dusk.
My ex kept calling me and i was afraid to pick up. Luna looked at me uneasy, then, knowing she had no right to say anything, she drew her sight somewhere across the lake, and whistled.

Thinking i would only ruin this one hanging relationship with Luna - somehow, by leaving my phone ringing and unanswered - i decided to pick up the phone eventually, and deal with anything that might come up.

The whole incident had turned her into someone quite different. She reacted as if she really care about me, and the whole phoning thingy upset her. She ate a plate of spaghetti with a long face and as expected she didn't look at me. However, she invited me to eat with her.

Back at her home her BESTFRIEND waited in front of her house. This time, instead of just a normal, usual greet, Aliff had gone a bit beyond the line. It was as if Alif was trying to show me that he likes Luna - or maybe, just maybe, its the other way round. Either way, i think this is getting more complicated.

Aku suke kamu | Wow..

2009-11-03T21:49:00.001-08:00

It was around 7 am - the typical beautiful morning. The chill of the air, the dews on the leaves, the yellowish blue sky, the chirping birds and the absence of people. It was just me and Luna.

We sat on swings. Silence.
Sometimes i wonder what was i doing.
Do i really want this?
I mean, to establish a relationship..
And i bet you know what i mean.
Ive been hurt before, and i could barely trust girls (and boys?).
While i was thinking, she finally uttered a word.

Luna : Boi.
Boi : Luna.
Luna : Do you wana see something beautiful?
Boi : Nakk. (i wantt)
Luna : Wait till the sun rises.
Boi : Okay. I know how beautiful sunrise could be.
Luna : Bukan. You ade cigs? (no, do u have cigs?)
Boi : Yup. Nah. (here.)

When the time came, she lighted up a cig,
and then, held it on her hand very carefully,
with her smooth and delicate hand.
She asked me to watch the smoke as it swirled in the air.

Boi : Cantiknye.. (how wonderful.)
Yuna : I know! :p Tgk bile smoke ni kene sunlight. (Look how it blends with sunlight)
Boi : White smokinnnnn.
Yuna : What color is the smoke again?
Boi : Putih kan. Its white.
Yuna : No, its blue..
Boi : wow..

It really was blue.

That day, i learn how to think beautifully.
Sometimes life could be so frigging hectic.
But if we practice positive thinking, for example,
we would find, that life, is hectic, just because its simply what life is.
And the same applicable to all situations.
Thanks Luna, for teaching me something so small,
but meant so big.

Aku suka kamu | Uh..

2009-11-01T02:51:00.000-08:00

"I got my sight set on you, and im ready to aim.
I have a heart that will, never be tamed.
I knew you something special, when u call my name.
I can't wait to see you again.."

One night, couple of days after the first meeting, I miscalled her, trying to convey an unwritten message of 'I MISS YOU'. Every sight seemed normal as usual, and i had a feeling of everything would be alright. I waited for her reply; gooooddness, it wasn't long before she eventually called me.

She asked me to meet her somewhere near Tasik Shah Alam. And there i went.

That night she wore a light pink shirt, and a pair of pink converse. She had just dyed her hair, and it suited her perfectly. I can't really describe what color was her hair, for im very LOUSY at naming colors. ;l

We chatted while listening to her favorite songs as we were looking at the sky. Once in awhile, i stole glances at her, but when she saw me turning my head towards her, i would looked right back into the sky. She talked gently, as if i were a barbie doll and she's a 10 years old kid. She is a sweet talker; and i was starting to feel like melting down to my knees - THANK GOD I WAS SITTING! ;k

She barely moved, and that's a prove of how confident and bold she is. I tried to touch her hand but i couldn't, for some unknown reasons. There was a point where she caught me staring at her and she pulled my ears, shouting coyly, "OMG!" and we giggled.. :)

The ice between us had been broken - my guards had been dropped, and her defenses had been lowered.

Suddenly it rained..

Aku suka kamu | Err.

2009-10-28T05:51:00.000-07:00

I smiled back at her.
I was about to draw a step towards her - but suddenly someone came up in the scene. A guy greeted her from far. Excited. That might be her boyfriend or something. I wanted to turn around, and leave them, but that guy called just before i do so. He must have noticed me, the way i stood still looking at his girl.

From my observation, the guy seemed to ask the girl, "do you know that boy", and the girl just nodded - she doesn't. Not wanting to make myself as a dumbo, i made my way towards them and finally, say "HYE". Her name, is Luna. And the guy, who is actually her best friend, is Alif.

She asked me where do i stay, and why does she often see me. I said im staying in a hostel at section 2. That was when she laughed because our homes are not so far. That guy besides me talked too much, but all i heard was Luna talking. The scent she has was mesmerizing, i could almost, still, sniffing it.

I've fallen in love..

Aku suka kamu | ...

2009-10-25T22:10:00.000-07:00

How i wish i have the guts to say, "HYE".

I know stalking is way wrong. As a matter of fact, i hate people who stalk. But i ain't stalking. Im just being a mere follower. I followed her to her house. I thought she didn't realized, but she walked so fast, as if she wanted to run away from me. Does that mean she noticed? I would be glad if she did.

This reminds me of what I've done when i was in form 2. I had a crush on this one particular person, who has both most important criterias i would look into for a lover - intelligence and THE look.

One cold morning, as early as 6, i hopped onto my bicycle and cycled without no exact direction, or gps or nothing! Just ONE clue i happened to hear from someone, "She lives near a school". So i went on cycling searching for a school; and a yellow bicycle she used to ride. Imagine looking for a particular bicycle in TAIPING. God knows how hard it was. ;k

But because of what i call as LOVE, i finally found the bicycle. I wrote something on a paper, and left it in her mailbox.

At school, she smiled at me.
And now, i don't know what causes this,
but my current crush is smiling at me. :D

Aku suka kamu | Hye.

2009-10-25T07:03:00.000-07:00

I kept thinking about the same pretty girl - it's almost like an image permanently tattooed in my brain. I told a few friends about this and what they did was smiling.
That was all?

I do not have any idea what were they thinking.
Maybe, just maybe, they thought i am no match for her.
She's just too.. Indescribably beautiful.
But i don't give a damn.

All i wanted is to get to know her.
If i could talk to her, then i would be the happiest boy in the world.

And today i saw her again.
She looked at me. Then she talked to her friends.

How i wish i have the guts to say, "HYE". :(

Aku suka kamu.

2009-10-22T00:26:00.000-07:00

Crowd.
Hassle bustle.
People are very rough.

I was listening to my mp3 when my best friend pulled my shirt
and signaled me something in the distance.

I took off my earpiece and looked where he had pointed.
There was a pretty girl who was walking towards our direction.

As i was looking at her, other people around her and around me
seemed to disappeared. Have you guys felt this way?

People are very rough.
And she's the only feather in the crowd.

I think i like her..

The Listeners | Nine.

2009-10-14T23:41:00.000-07:00

I was exhausted, half sleepy.

There were only couple of scattered stars in the night sky and bunch of my new and old friends around me - talking and laughing. I was not in the mood of either activity, so i sat a bit further and smoked a ciggarette. When i was done, a friend - Cal is his name - came from behind and pulled my back to his lap, so i could rest.

We talked about small things which i can't recall what, then i fell asleep on that very floor. I could still hear low noises made by friends, and i am sure that Cal was also chatting merryly with his friends.

Suddenly he stopped, turned his head towards me, and started to utter words to me. I remember he said something like, "you know boi, you're very lucky. Everyone likes you, everyone wants to be your brother, your friends, or be with you", and i slowly opened my eyes a little and sighed. I afraid he might as well say 'BUT..', so i kept quiet - as if my silence wouldn't trigger his mind to say such. "You are very cuddly," he continued, "so cheerful, and confident. Aproachable. People would love to be around you to feel positive. You have that aura, to make people happy."

I didn't say a word.

"Nobody hates you. I am very envious of you."

Cal is a very good buddy. Sometimes when i want to go out or sleep i would text him, asking him where he is; and i dont care what the answer is. The reason why i do so is because i often wish he would be there beside me, even though i know him very little (i just knew his father's name last night!). He's very funny and he always makes me smile - just like a brother.

Idle.

2009-10-14T06:18:00.000-07:00

People and partners are struggling like shit.
And i sit there idly.
Watching people as they read.

Lott of things have gone wrong.
There were tests and tests and tests it hurt my tiny brain.
Couple would come later but still, i did less than i should.

There goes my marks.
Bye bye. :')

OMG.

2009-10-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

Ala.
4 EX scandal yang tak mengenali satu sama laen.
Asal tempat yg berlainan.
Sume kat bilek ostel boi.
Pastoh boi tade dalam bilek pon.
TEKANAN..
Sume buat problem.
Damn. Penink pale mak nokkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. ;kkk

The Listeners l Eight.

2009-10-03T02:11:00.000-07:00

"Salam boi. tgh watpe? Actually saja je tules nie. nak buank dakwat lin n jupe ketasni kat tmpat recycle paper td. eh tade ahh. mmg niat nak tules kat boi pon..

First skali nak thanks kat boi. byk sgt sweet memorie. then nak mintak maaf coz boi salu jadi mankse keadaan. Marah kat bonie, tp tetibe marah kat boi ckali. sori sgt sgt. Emo cket.

Fest tym tgk boi, macam bese je. tapi bile da kenal quite close, ade x-factor yang wat org tetarek kat boi. boi ni manje, cute, pandai amek ati org.. pendek kata mmg best ar, kawan ngn boi.. tapi yg x-factor toh still ta dapat dikenalpasti.. :)

Boi, ekceli boi macam adek Mary snirik. rase macamkene jage boi. rase macam under my responsbility utk jage u. dats y i shayunk sgt sgt kat u.. :')

Lastly, Mary syggg sgt kat boi, harap frenship kite akan bekekalan k. Boi, im gonna mish u. MY ADIK. MY NOBITA. MY SON. haha... take care. jgn lupe solat."

An apology.

2009-09-18T15:42:00.000-07:00

0900

That's him.

Should i go and interrupt now, or should i wait for that indian man to go? I feel like running, feel like wanting to throw up. This wait is killing me somehow.

There's a voice in my mind (wanting to tell me something) i could barely hear. I look around but nobody familiar is in sight. Probably it's my heart. My heart is doing his work as usual, thank God, except in this particular moment, it pumps so hard as if he wants me to see 'hey boss, look, im here with you!'

Fine, i got a friend. :l

That plump indian man is still there. The atmosphere is cold in here, but if to compare, it is rather chilly outside.

0911

Now come 2 Philippines. They both lined up behind that indian man. But why is it one of them keep staring at me? Am i too obvious? OR am i being paranoid.

Im anxious. What if Azfi wouldn't even look at my face? What if he shouts at me? I would be friggin' embarrassed, i could die just like that!

I could hear my own heart beat. Those 2 Philippines have walked away. Should i give him this card and run away or should i stand there before him and wait for his respond?! ARGH!!

920

I'm walking towards his place of sitting.

Eh, he smiles at me. And now he's making his way out so he could meet me. :'l

He is happy to see me. Now he's holding my hand-made Raya card with care, as if it was made with full delicacy. I guess he already knows what the contents are.

He's apologizing for what he has done wrong.

He wants me to come for the next gathering, but im no longer one of the group members. I only want to come and celebrate raya with him, and abg blink, and abg areyl or abg herry. But let's just forget about it for awhile. I need to rush and go back home. He brushes my cheeks, hugs me, and let go.

1005
He texts me, saying he wanted to cry reading what ive written in the card. He says, it is 'sweet and comel'. He admit he has abandoned me, but that only happened because i abandoned him at the first place. He doesn't want me to ever, leave him again, because in his heart, im his greatest bro ever, the best among the rest of his little petbroes. :')

Jantonk saya.

2009-09-14T18:43:00.000-07:00

Saya ajak teman lelaki saya untok berbuka di dataran pas pastoh die cakap die boleh je bukak ngn saya tapi dia ade kelas sampai pukol 8. Saya okay je, jadik saya tunggu. Tunggu. Dan tunggu.

Dia tak datang. :(

Saya pon nak pulank kerana kecewa tapi jupe sorank mamat name die Steph. Dia tanya saya sorank je? Dia teman saya sebab saya lonely. Kami pegi karok kay. Pastoh pegi secret recipe. Dia tawu saya takde duet jadik dia belanja.

Yay! :D

Oh. :(

Kenape . teman lelaki . ku . tak . mecet . bagitaw . dia . bz?
Kenape tak cakap 'sori,boi,i,tak,jadi,datang',
Hatiku..

"Burp" saya sudah kenyank. Jadi, kami pulank bersama - sama - jalan kaki melalui taman tasik shah alam.

Steph : Awak. Awak.
Boi : Emm..?
Steph : Saye nak gitaw awak sesuatu.
Boi : Apew?
Steph : Isk, malu lah wak.
Boi : ERK!
Steph : Saya.. Sayang awak.
Boi : ..
Steph : Awak nampak bangunan toh (Quality hotel)? Then bangunan toh (kolej boi)?
Boi : Nampak!
Steph : Di tengah jalan saya dah bagitaw dan mengaku kat awak yang saya sayang awak..

Jantonk saya . . .

Boi : Takot lah gelap..
Steph : Jangan takot. Awak nak taw tak. Sebenanya.. Saya..
Boi : *jerit ketakotan*
Steph : HAHAHAHA! Shh. Mak saya cakap, kalaw gelap macam nih..
Boi : Huhu. :(
Steph : *kucup pipi boi* I love you..

Jantonk saya . . .
Degupan . .
Kencank . .

T e m a n k u , p a s t i , m a r a h .

"I wish that i was looking into your eyes.."

Free or priceless?

2009-09-05T08:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, memang saya suke Andy. Saya mengaku, walaupon ego box saya memang level besi. Tapi sebab saya rasa - jangan kate nak benonok - nak jadik kawan pon tak layak, saya undur diri. Dah banyak kali Andy mintak saya bersama dia. Selalu dia ajak klua, ajak pegi tengok muvi, nak belikan baju baru tok saya. Saya buat bodoh, saya rasa tak guna. Tambah tambah lagi bila dia pegi shoping kat pavi ataw garden. Haish. Aku bukan kaya macam dia. Kalaw jalan ngn die sume orang bukak mulot, tak cukop nafas wei.. Sebab toh aku undur diri, sebab dalam byk byk org yang tak cukop nafas toh, ade orang yg leh jage die, leh jadi ape yang Andy nak and leh bagi die happy. Tak macam aku, hanye budak kecil yang leh teman die time die sedih.

Jadi, aku undur diri.
Sampai waktu di mane, Andy dah jupe sorank budak kecil yang baru. Jaoh lagi kacak daripada aku. Tapi problem die budak kecil yang bernama Amer nih minat kat aku. Amer nih baek gilaaaaaaa. Mase first time die jupe aku, die diam dari petang sampai malam. Aku igtkan aku hudoh sangat sampai die tanak ckp ngn aku. Tapi bile time tito, die pelok aku dan mengaku yang die sangat sukekan aku, sampai die malu nak tgk aku. Die kate die suke sume tentang aku, sbb toh bile aku tak reply mecet die, die mecet aku sampai bepuloh puloh, dengan hati yang patah, dan menangis.

Tapi aku taw Andy suke kat budak kecil nih gile babun. Macam die sayang aku dulu. Jadi aku lepaskan Amer. Aku marah Amer, aku cakap, 'kalaw dah ade orang sayang toh, dah ade orang leh jage toh, trime je ah. Watpe nak pegi kat aku yang takde pape nih? Aku tak reti jage hati orang, tak reti bagi komitmen. Tolong, pegi kat Andy. Main jaoh jaoh!'

Aku cakap je macam toh, padahal aku nak Andy happy sbb aku sayang die. Hurm.

Amer memang super blur. Tak faham kenape aku buat macam toh, sedangkan aku ckp aku sayang die. Kalaw aku sayang die, nape aku nak suroh die pegi kat Andy, kenape aku reply mecet die.

Aku dah cuba buat die jadik benci kat aku. Aku igt aku dah berjaya, sebab ada satu malam toh die mecet kawan aku, ckp die nak balas dendam kat aku. Tapi di tengah jalan die mintak maaf kat aku, sbb die tak sanggop nak wat camtoh pada aku.

Anyway,
Lately Andy nih melampaw lampaw maki aku. Die tak taw ape aku dah cakap kat Amer, aku soh Amer jage die. Tapi Andy fikir aku nak kat Amer. Die kate aku betrayer bagai. Die tak taw.. :'(

Semalam, Amer text aku. Die cakap die rindu aku, die nak jupe aku. Die cakap selalu die igt kat aku. Die skunk tengah cube jage Andy. Amer cakap walaupon Andy toh hensem gile gile sampai sume orang sanggop belutot kat die, tapi Amer tetap sayangkan aku lebih. Die bejuang untok bagi Andy happy - the way i want Andy to be happy.

Tapi, Amer, heppi, tak? Boi, heppi, tak?

I'm sorry.

The Listeners | Seven.

2009-09-03T20:50:00.000-07:00

Romeo, take me somewhere we could be alone
I've been waiting for you, but you never come..

Is this, in my head - I don't know what to think.

You knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said ;
"Marry me Juliet, you never have to be alone,
I LOVE YOU AND THATS ALL I REALLY KNOW.."

Who are you.

2009-09-03T07:54:00.000-07:00

We went to a quiet place where he could do his work,
and i could settle mine.
We DID NOT TALK to each other.
All i heard was the music he had let me listen to.

For a moment there,
when he turned his head towards me,
when he looked deep into my eyes,
when he began to feel like smiling -

I could see the old AHMAD JUNAIDI BIN AHMAD HADZMY.

But when he laughed, i knew something has always been wrong.

The Listeners | Six.

2009-08-30T23:56:00.000-07:00

http://hunkiecrush.blogspot.com/2009/03/tribute.html

First it was Eika. Then came Shalliana. Now it's Faey.

The story of our friendship began when we went for a Homestay Programme together with two other peeps. I had never talked to her before, even though sometimes when i saw her walking or talking with her friends at TESL SQUARE, i felt like asking her questions. I never did for i am ugly i was afraid she wouldn't be bothered by a word that came out from my mouth. LOL!

So the homestay was the point where we started to know each other.
The bond between us grows stronger each and everyday since then. She is a person i would describe as a fullblast nice and sensitive, pretty and independent. A complete contrast of me.

Anyway i started to have this one feeling, a weird one - just like how i felt towards eika and shalliana - on that particular evening. I was exhausted and sleepy, so i told faey to wake me another 3 hours because i had a class at 4. I laid my head on the table, cupping my head with my arms. It was unusually cold. Then when i woke up she was not there beside me. "Toilet kot", i thought to myself. Hoping she would come back a little late, i put my head on her stool and slept like a bear. When she did came back, she grabbed a stool near her, sat down and continued her work on the pc. Suddenly she touched my hair..

Then the pictures of the nicest things she has done to me came flashing in my mind.

That was how the feeling gloom into me.

Im becoming straight again. Whoah..

Oh yeh btw she has just bought me a RAW boxer brief! Know how happy i am?! HAHAHAH!
*dances like ciken litel*

Painted windows.

2009-08-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

That morning i wasn't feeling well. I had a realllllllyyyyyy bad cough as such i would be dead if i had a flu as well! I was alone, doing my assignment with pain on my chest (besides a broken heart).

Suddenly came a person from nowhere. He sat a meter away from me. He asked me what was i doing. I answered, "assignments, ini mmg sial susah nak mati. Tetek oh." Then he gigled as he realized im not that shy after all. He bombarded me with lot of questions since; and i started to become comfortable with him, till i reached the point where I told him troubles ive been facing, why was i looking gloomy and all.

Was it because he talked a lot too? Or was it because the way he drew himself closer on every few-seconds pause?

The thing with this person is i know there's something about him. But i better not tell because i could almost see, in the dimness of the night, THOSE faces - yes, those faces which would tell me, "THAT PERSON LIKES ME TOO" or "HEY, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT PERSON LIKES YOU, WITH THAT FACE OF YOURS?" Those thoughts might be true, would them?

But then he hugged me to contain me. He knew i was about to cry when i faked a laugh. He touched my cheeks and said "KENAPE LAH KO INNOCENT SGT!" At this moment i felt highly appreciated and noticed.

Today he sits besides me when i am 'sleeping'.

He stays here for quite a long time.

Now he's trying to pull out the twisting blanket within my legs.

Look, he's spreading the blanket in the air;

And covers me, just like the way he covers me with his care.

How close could you be?

2009-08-27T19:15:00.001-07:00

We had always talked with each other in class. We felt like, we were the only ones left on Earth.. Sunk in noises caked up around us, we rested our heads on the desks and looked at each others face; and i would tell him about things that bothered me, people that annoyed me, people that I love or once loved, hate and once hated; my history.. We could just sit on our very chairs, side by side, staring at the scribbled whiteboard while listening to stories.. Generally i talked about everything; and he enjoyed listening. I know, because he would have that particular face, raised eyebrows, dilated pupils, and genuine smile on the face.

But as the time passing by, he started to act differently. He was starting to become secretive towards me. He had found his true nature of his hobby which was writing on a piece of paper and passed the paper to someone else, instead of me. And sometimes he would blinked at me and then rushed to a group of girls and talked loudly. He would stand in front of the class and paraded. He would also write his name beside my name on the toilet's wall - which i didn't know why. I thought to myself, "hey boi, look, he finally found who he really is".

Then came a day, a day where everything was made apparent.

I was sketching a picture of a dinosaur on a white plain paper when each and every one of my classmates was busy making noises. When i was done, i wrote my name in a bubble talk. But before i could finish writing down the 3rd character of my name, Nizam held stop my hand, grabbed my crayon away and wrote his name ON MY NAME. He sat beside me, grinned a bit; and whispered "YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU WANT. KAN BEST SATU PER SATU HILANG."

I frowned for i couldn't comprehend what was he really trying to convey.

Nizam turned unusually excited. When i asked him why, he refused to tell. I stared at him, trying to figure out what was THAT something that bothered me so much. I darted my sight on his hair and drew slowly to his sparkling eyes, then the pink-ish lips and ended at the neck. Surprised, I laughed, and uttered "BELEN! (no longer virgin)!" for there was an obvious mark of a love bite.

He raised his middle finger, pointed the tip on the mark and confessed "Ini abang angkat kaw punye. Smalam die drive dari ipoh nak jupe kaw, TAPI KAW TAK LAYAN DIE, So AKU AJAK AH DIE LEPAK NGN AKU. Kitorank gi makan kat tasek, Then aku blowjob die kat toilet."

What was there to be proud of?

Starting from that day, i witnessed battles, quests, vengeance, cry of pain and fake smiles for the first time.

I have seen, how far he had gone, how high he had reached, and most importantly, HOW CLOSE HE HAD BEEN.

The Listeners | Five.

2009-08-22T07:49:00.000-07:00

Her voice was a bit different. She could not utter the whole one sentence perfectly. I thought she was sick. But she wasn't.

She was crying.

"Boi ni.. Cena igt boi taw. Boi kan adek cena. Cena sempat letak wallpaper gamba kite 2 lagi kat fon cena. Cena bz cket je.."

I wanted to cry but i know Cena has always wanted me to be a big grown up intelligent (Alger) Boi. And big boy don't cry. I am not the old boi who kept asking weird questions like what is kotex can i wear kotex? Can i use the smart pencil and get good marks for my exam? Can i be that nobita in parody so that everybody would stand besides me like doraemon does? Why is everybody keep making me upset? Why is the door blue? Can i be pretty like you? CAn i wake up late. Can i have a drink. I want to eat, would u feed me?

I think im not that boi anymore.

I miss her so much though. Ever since the first day we got separated, till now - even after we had talked much about our life that night - i still miss her. She's my biggie sister. :(

She was the one who always told me to perform my prayer in faculty, she was the one who always asked me, just to make sure i eat well; and she was the one who listened when i had problems with my other fellows. Now that she's not around, it's getting tougher.

Okay now im crying in public shame on you BIG boy..

The Listeners | Four ii.

2009-08-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

I was awfully excited. I feel like i need to tell this weird story to someone. That was when i saw a friend of mine wandering nearby. I called him just to tell him the story about something that makes me happy that day but then, when he drew himelf closer, i said 'NEVERMIND'.

It comes to my mind that a friend of mine i saw that night, is no longer the one i used to adore. He's now a whole different person.. Lately he keeps replying my questions with sarcasm and all. He has this one belief - that he is PERFECT; and no matter how facinating your story is, he wouldn't give a damn - because you're not prefect, HE IS.

That night.. The time we hung out together with our close friends. He noticed a girl who was looking at him. And he said to me, with full assurance, that
"OMG SHE LIKES ME". Well, how could he tell?

:(

There was once a girl i caught staring at me. I was about to tell my friend what i've seen but he replied with sarcasm again, saying 'kau perasan', or 'she's BLIND'.

All i wanted to say is, 'Hey, i think i finally have someone who notices me' ;(

What would you feel?

2009-08-09T02:25:00.000-07:00

There’s a guy who called me to tell enthusiastically that he has kissed the person I care. What he didn’t know is, she is the person I care the most; and the news he let me know, hurts my feeling. He also said that she has given him an amount of cash so that he could check in, in a hotel close to where she is working now.

I always thought she’s busy with her work, that it’s the only explanation why she has stopped texting and calling me.

I was proven wrong..

I can’t really comprehend what I’m feeling right now. Seriously, this is confusing. Am I broken, am I happy, or am I feeling nothing? Wait, feeling ‘nothing’ is impossible. Because I know very well there’s something inside me, that bothers me. Does it hurt? I don’t know, you tell me.

Let say you have someone you really care, the one you put all your attention and concern on. Comes whatever situation or atmosphere between both of you - the feeling would stay, as burly as a stronghold. Okay, she, too, cares about you, especially when you have problems. You know everything is going to be alright no matter how tough the problem either of you is facing.

Now, what if the person you care of discovers something really interesting to do in life, she starts to put her focus on that particular thing - subsequent to the part where you were there for her, helping her going through all the hard times. She is beginning to disregard despite of the fact that you are actually a PART of the THING she has found exciting.

What do I feel? I don’t know, you tell me.

Facebook.

2009-08-04T23:14:00.000-07:00

Yay saya ada facebook. :p

The Listeners | Four.

2009-07-27T21:35:00.000-07:00

Every night we sleep together - side by side with Dd. The one who stays all night long is always A.Jay. He is my victim. He listens..

I was down with HIGH fever. The coldness of the air cut to my bone despite of the fact that I wore thick clothes the whole night. I was gasping for air, screaming inside; and my legs were trembling weak, but pretended that there was nothing wrong with me.. A.Jay stared at me when I stopped eating while Dd made that face of 'what's wrong now?'. They care about me, I can see..

I could also see that A.Jay care about me more than anyone else in my college. He's a good friend (I dare to say 'good to everyone'). Back in my room, he wiped my face, body and hands with wet towel. He gave me my medicine and constantly asked me; whether I am OK or not, or do I need anything to comfort myself? I, in return, for unknown reasons, didn't do anything for him when I know very well that he was sick too. Maybe I am an egoist. I never expected that someone could bear my attitude. What did I do when he was talking to me? I LOOKED AT THE WALLS. What did I answer him when he asked me questions? NOTHING. My ego is HUGE when I was sick, but he is very loyal and patient. :'l

And because of that, I brought him back with me to my hometown - TAIPING. Now he's with me, instead of living in college alone. I guess he's happy. :p Right A.Jay?

The Listeners | Three.

2009-07-20T06:49:00.000-07:00

I was listening to him.
As a matter of fact, I listened to him all the time.

Things were not going as planned. He wanted me to be his boyfriend to replace his lover who is described as as a heart breaker. I, as a friend, who do not love him at all had to sacrifice a little. I spent most of the time with him just to convince him and give him strength to move on. Thank God, He succeed.

The first thing he did when he saw me walking towards his car was smiling. When I hopped into the car, he kissed my cheeks. At that particular moment, I sacrificed. I put myself as a protector, the one he could trust, the one he could rely on, the one he seeks when he has problems.

Except when his lover came into this episode of me and he, the table turned around. Because the lover is a 'public - display of affection' type of person, the person has suddenly changed. We all know very well that the person does not love my friend very much. But he changed when I was around - when I was watching to be exact. I was feeling awkward, stupid, and embarrassed for God knows why. They were calling each other names normal couple would do.

And because of that, because I know my friend loves the ex very much, I tried the best to strengthen their bond again. I sacrificed. I put myself as a protector, the one he could trust, the one he could rely on, the one he seeks when he has problems and the one he would forget when he is feeling secure enough.

Yes, he moved on. Thank God, he succeed..

The Listeners | Two.

2009-07-16T06:31:00.000-07:00

My bro has just gotten back from Uk. He wanted me to come to KL with the hope that we could meet up but then - you know me, (BOI the gifted and young) I always want to make things hard and complicated. So the plan has changed - he came to Shah Alam instead (despite of the bad weather). He even bought me a teddy which later named by me as JOJO. :')

We talked - shared our stories, getting to know each other again. I miss him. He listened very well though at the end i still have a lot of stories - left untold. Well, most of the time he just nodded his head and frowned. I don't really know what he was thinking. I guess, for some possible reasons, he was upset.

I am a night person yet i was sleeping like a bear the night he was there with me. He, on the other hand, couldn't find his way to the dreamland. He just watched me sleeping. ;(

By next month i won't be able to see him again knowing that he would be working in Uk as a doctor. Good luck bro. :'l

The Listeners | One.

2009-07-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since i last met my Pwincess. Frankly, I miss her - the way she reacts when she's disgusted, how she points at things, how she adores cute stuffs and how she asks for something. Even though i've said to her couple of times that 'she has changed', the truth remains clear - she has not changed at all. She's the same small innocent girl I've known 5 years ago.

I was smoking cigarette; wandering around on the lonely yet packed street when suddenly something caught my eyes. The sign - i was near to her - the place she lives. How i surprised to know that she is a neighbour of Azfi's, all these while.

I went to see her.

We walked around the park, watching the scenery of buildings far across the distance and splashes of colors in the sky, talking about things, catching up with each other. I told her stories. She listened, though she sometimes showed me gestures and expressions telling me that it was kind of inappropriate for me to tell her some explicit crap. But she's cool.

We ate watermelons and drank milo. She said she likes watermelon. LOL. We ate ice creams and played with the grass on our way back home when the summer air started to blow in all direction as the sun was slowly setting. Magical.

Since i was home alone at night, for Azfi has been out with some friends (The Legend), she asked me to come over to her house to play with her lappy; and so i did.

I hope to see you again Pwincess.
Written by Dark Tarabas.

Story teller.

2009-07-03T01:26:00.000-07:00

I want to tell stories.
I have a lot of stories to tell.
I want to have some friends who are willing to listen
and show me they feel the same way as mine.
Would you listen? :(

I used to call him -

2009-07-02T02:07:00.000-07:00

1. I used to call her -
2. He used to call me -
3. She used to call me -

Arghh. Bodoh. Couple of days ago, i tried to call HIM but he didn't pickup. He must have deleted my number. He must have forgotten me. He must have pushed me out of his life. I'm not blaming him though. I am simply broken. Unstable.

I am feeling so alone despite of the overwhelming attention i get. Sometimes i stumbled upon something, i stutter; and i think really hard. Still, I couldn't recall what ended me up lying on the bed trying to reach him.

Today i AM EXTREMELY SHOCKED AND EXCITED. I accidentally bumped into his blog. He has changed his interest. He used to read blogs and not writing any when we were friends. Now he just made one. Cute.

We haven't met yet. How pathetic. :D
To think back what was going on with us a year ago, it's just plain funny. But to face the fact that he has found thousands of new friends, new life and bright future - without me being a part of it - it sucks.

Aritoh janji nak jumpe. Aku da beli adiah birthday dah kat die. Tapi aku simpan sbb tak jumpe lagik. Just before his birthday 1 May kitorank ade kontek but on his birthday bile aku mecet - die tak reply. Mesti ramai gile bab nak kol die and wish, mesti ramai gile bab nak mecet die and wish, mesti ramai gile bab nak jupe die and celebrate. Dah setahun lebih tunggu and selalu sangat ingat kat die sbab die mmg lah comel. BAHAHA. :D

Okay tak hepi pon. Aku bace blog posts die. Banyak mende yang aku tataw pasal die. Padehal dulu salu dengar cite sal die. Aku tengok slide picture kat tepi blog die and die ade letak satu pic yang ade tules name manje die. The name i used to call him - EPOL.

But now he's no longer in Malaysia. Guess i have to wait another 5 years or more. :'(

Winnie, if you see this guy kat sane please kem salam kat die. :'l

Runaway bride.

2009-07-01T08:20:00.000-07:00

Misunderstanding.

Anything can turn upside down in a snap of a finger when someone mistaken something for something else.

It happened so fast.

After the incident, i couldn't help myself thinking about the same thing again and again. It's like a broken record player in my head. The vision of him screaming before my face makes me tremble. The vision of him clenching his fists into a fit punch ball haunts me. The vision of him punching the wall and the door around me makes me scared.

Yes, im scared, because i care about him.
Who thought your loved ones could turn into someone so ugly, you almost cry even with a tiny bit of those thought in your bloody head..

Have you watched monster.inc? Im a BOO.
:(

Wall - e? - Eva.

2009-06-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

Eww. Banyak ciot abok atas meja. Dengan paket kosong coco pai yang dicampak camtoh je. Dicicah lagi dengan 3 gelas kosong. Aer oren, pepsi twist; dan pepsi twist lagii. Boi, kow ingat ini umah bapak kaw? (MEMANG PON WEI.) Kat bawah tb LG toh ade banyak dvd. Siyesh banyak gile bab. Sebab bosan baru lepas tengak cite antu, aku pon carik lah dvd laen, tetibe tenampak dvd Wall E.

Wall - E. Die cakap cite toh best. Romantik. Die tengok cite toh die rase nak nanges. Lemah ciot. :p

Dan satu mende je die piker mase die tengok cite toh, Boi. Yes, saya lah, Boi.

Aku kat kolej mase toh. Tetibe Haha cakap die ade dvd Wall E. Aku pon beria ah nak tengok sbb aku tak dapat tengok kat wayang and 'die' plak suke cite katon nih. Aku tengok dengan Helmi, Wan and Apek. Kitorank tutop lampu. Aku sedih, aku da lah sensitiv. Tengok cite sedih sumpah buat aku nak nanes. Tapi sebab aku malu, aku tak nanes - walawpon aku dok kat blakank, dalam kegelapan malam yang sunyi. Katenye.

Itu mase aku muda kot. Skunk da tua. Bile aku tengok dvd Wall - E toh, aku tolak ke tepi. Buank mase je aku nak tengok balek. Die bukan ingat kat aku pon.

Tapi aku silap. Malam toh jugak, selepas lamenye die tak kontek aku, die mecet aku. Kebetulan kan? Die cakap "sayang i mish u like crazy". Aku tak faham inglish, jadik aku TAK CAKAP LAH PULAK 'i mishh you too sayang'. HAHAHA. :p Aku reply macam bese je. Lagipon aku kan dah ade -

Uh. Cakap banyak. Gelak banyak. Tapi sumenye mesti ade akhir. Dalam pukol 4 camtoh, die kol aku. Die cakap "yunk, there's only 1 thing, 2 say, 3 words, 4 you, I LOVE YOU."

Lagu kite mase kite mude.

7 things.

2009-06-17T23:58:00.000-07:00

Bapa bapa kepada Belimbing.

I probably shouldn’t write this.
But I think I get so scared?
When I think about the previous. :l
All those times you weren't there.

It was cruel some, i got over.
Its just sometimes but i care? I JUST CARE.
And now we’re living out of reach.
And nothing’s ever gonna change until you hear, my boo.

The 7 things I hate about you.
You DRINK, you SMOKE, OH paramore.
You love me, make me spurred.
You make me laugh, you make me cry.
Why'd you have to drink that friggin much?
You frank, you jerk,
When you bout to came, you buat derk.
I wanna be with the one I know.
And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do.
You make me pregnant.

(Okay thats 10. O.o)

It’s awkward and it’s silent.
As I wait for you to say.
What I need to hear now.
You're saying 'you, I'm sorry.'
When you mean it, I’ll believe it.
If you text it, I’ll delete it.
Please don't say -
"Oh I’m not keeping this". *points to baby*
You’re making, this baby in tears!

HAHAHA. :p

The 7 things I like about you.
Your hair, your shirts, your lips and eyes.
When we kiss I’m hypnotized.
You make me laugh, you make me cry!
But I guess that’s both I’ll have to buy. :p
Your hands in mine.
When we’re intertwined, everything’s alright.
I wanna be with the one I know.
And the 7th thing I like the most that you do -
You named him 'STARFRUIT'.
You do. OoooOo ooo. :p

P:s // JUST A PARADY. TIADA KAITAN ANTARA BUAH BUAHAN YANG DAH DIMAKAN ATAW BELOM.

Kelantan

2009-06-16T22:29:00.000-07:00

Walawpun saya benci orang kelantan sebab kosmate saya orang kelantan dan perangai die sumpah macam jobo yang super sial, tapi saya da due kali kot jato ati ngn orang kelantan. Wah statement. Yang pertama shaltox yang kedua ifffff tut.. HAHAHAHHAHA. Eh lucah wei. Kalaw lover saya yang bernama hambrozainy taw mati lah die ceraikan saya. Tapi saya setia. :)

Saya bertekad nak blaja loghat kelantan. Go boi go.
Pegi ngorat awek kelantan lah weiii. :DD
FEWWWWIT.

I used to call her -

2009-06-12T06:04:00.000-07:00

It was on 24th August, 2008, in a warm night. It wasn't really dark. I was sitting on my bike near the library's guard post looking far at the end of the road, waiting for her - the TC. In spite of the packed schedule she had; and the class she had to attend, she was still eager to meet me. When i saw her coming with her scoot, my heart beated hard. I was smiling involuntarily. The only sound i heard was the engine when she came, but when she turned it off, all i heard was her breathing. She smiled all the way as she talked with eyes twinkled in the dim.

Things in past. Funny.

Well, yesterday as i was surfing the internet, my friend asked me to surf this one particular website. I went on all excited because i know it was a porn (straight porn, excuse me). There, i searched for 'something' and i saw, a photo - to hair from nose up. I thought i knew that girl. So i looked at her video. It was a video of her caressing her body with no face shot in it. There was a moment there, in that video, when she turned the camera around, and i got to see her chin. I was shocked. I studied her username ********* and i realized, there is her nickname, the name i used to call TC, hidden in that very username **_**_*_*.

"Tgk rambot i panjang, tapi teacher i ngam ngn i, so die asek lepaskan i je. I tak kene denda pon", she said to me with satisfaction. She's pretty. She wanted to be a pilot. Or an engineer. I think she hated addmath and chemistry. ACTUALLY, I barely remember what she liked, because she kept changing her favorite subject.

She thought we could be friends even though she has got a new boyfriend for herself. I thought the same, unfortunately. Everything happened rather slow, but i was helpless - i couldn't do anything to change any of the things that has already taken place.

The way she talked to me. The way she looked at me. The way she joked about stuffs. The words she used to utter. The things she used to do. The songs she used to sing.. She has changed.

We're all, waiting for something..

2009-06-11T05:15:00.000-07:00

Before she left, she called me to wake me up. She joked about going there with me but seriously, it wasn't funny at all because i don't have a passport. It would have been funny if i do have, because i knew that joke is going to be true anyhow.

She said she's going to miss me.
I thought i was going to miss her as well.

But I forgot about her. The whole 2 weeks.
O.o

Anyway, now she's back in Malaysia.
What she did when she finally woke up in the evening (she thot it was still early in the morning HAHAHA) was calling me up, and kissed me thru the phone.

That really meant something for me.